In The Event Of A Zombie Apocalypse...
Olly — Tue, 2004-10-05 09:46
Assuming that, tommorrow, the rotting hordes of the shambling dead rose up from their graves and began a cannibalistic feeding frenzy, infecting the world with the plague of undeath, what would be your plan of action?
Discuss.
- 6112 reads
I'd do like any good horror movie and find myself a shotgun and a buxom chick to hold up in a badly defensible location, like a London pub or a cabin in the deep woods. Oh actually I'd need lots of supporting chracters to get eaten by the shambling hordes once our position is discovered. Then as I run out of ammo and myself and the buxom girl are nearly dead we are rescued by the Army or Bernard Hughes.
Easy. I gather up as many women as I could (and maybe some guys just to help with the gene pool), load up on some serious firepower, grab a really nice boat (with GPS and maps) and sail out to a nice island.
The Little Cayman Island in the Atlantic or one of the smaller Hawaiian Islands would be about perfect.
Then I'd do my best to repopulate the planet, or at least my small corner of it ;-)
It'd be cool to be a dictator...
Good plan, I must say.
-----
Has anyone read "100 things I would do if I ever became an evil overlord" ??
If so, in a joint effort, we must now create...
"100 STEPS TO SURVIVING A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE"
______________
The Good Cap'n
STEP ONE:
If any of the survivors in my party are bitten by a zombie, I will IMMEDIATELY know that they are goners, instead of hoping they will somehow "get better". Upon visual confirmation of the zombie infected wound, I will then make ONE attempt to save them. I will amputate said wound "Dead Alive / Brain Dead" style... If this method fails, a 12-gauge in the nostrils will quickly resolve the situation.
Yeah, I have. Hilarious. For a "serious" attempt at the same thing, take a look at The 48 Laws of Power.
STEP TWO: Shooting off a zombie's arm, while amusing, is ultimately ineffective. I will strive to always aim for the head. I will understand that I am not a marksman, however, so will not waste bullets from three blocks away because it'll make me "feel" better.
STEP THREE:
If any survivor in my party should object to STEP ONE, I will immediately realize that the objectors ALWAY get killed, and a gruesome disemboweling death befits the defiant wretch. I will then humbly retract my plan and advise the objector to stay with the infected person until they get "better"
STEP FOUR:
I will always understand that pretending I am a zombie...NEVER WORKS.
("Shaun of the Dead" & "The Mummy" DON'T COUNT!)
STEP FIVE: Affectionately capturing a zombie and attempting to humanitize them, or learn their problem, or just to release some angst on 'em every so often, is always going to backfire. Unless we call him "Bub."
STEP SIX: I will not give zombies named "Bub" a gun.
STEP SEVEN:
I will NEVER try to give medical attention to a bloody, lip-less child standing in my bedroom doorway. Furthermore, any person or persons in my party of survivors attemting to help said child, shall be henchforth held responsible for the wellfare of said child, and follow the procedures listed in STEP THREE.
STEP EIGHT:
I will NEVER...EVER...lean against a window.
STEP NINE:
I will remain fully aware of the risks involved when "handling" zombies. I shall never...at any time, try to force a small crowd of zombies out of a room or doorway, using my hands. A chair, small table or other long object will suffice.
I will also be aware that zombies DO NOT understand any spoken language. Therefore, ordering the undead to "GET OUT!" or "GO AWAY!" will do nothing but draw more undead to your position.
STEP TEN:
When I run out of ammunition for a particular firearm, I will NEVER discard the weapon and run. I will KEEP the weapon...and run.
There is usally more ammo in the next room...and herbs too.
STEP ELEVEN:
When I encounter a eerie silhouette standing in a dark room, if they do not respond to my hails, I will IMMEDIATELY understand they are a zombie. I will not move in closer and make repeated attempts to communicate...as if they just didn't hear me the first time.
The thing with zombies is you need to be able to stop their kinetic energy.
East-Texas Zombie survival kit:
Remember, fighting zombies is not about accuracy or damage: it's about kinetic energy. Knock the zombies down, halt their progress, and keep moving. Don't stop to "see if they're dead" - they are. And they'll keep coming. Even a head-shot isn't a sure thing. Burn 'em if you can, but above all don't slow down.
STEP TWELVE:
Although I realize that the "taboo" of sexing my undead girlfriend is pretty hot, after the first couple of times, it just becomes gross. I will strive to kill her before someone else does, as that is the romantic thing to do.
STEP THIRTEEN: Yes, the movie lied.
STEP TWELVE (Amendment):
In addition to the moral and necrophalic issues involved when doing "the VERY nasty" w/ said girlfriend; there is also the matter of hygiene and possibility of infection. Furthermore, studies in zombie evolution suggest a high probability that a zombie-whore could develop TEETH in every orifice...ouchie.
STEP FOURTEEN:
I will ALWAYS be aware of how many bullets are in my gun at ALL times. I will not just forget for some reason, when I'm cornered.
I will also practice and be well-trained in the art of "reloading while running"...
STEP FIFTEEN:
I will refrain from "girlie-screaming" whenever zombies are present. This only seems to entice them. All party members shall abide by this rule as well. Those who do NOT follow this rule shall be dealt with in the following manner:
1: A verbal warning. "SHUT THE F*%@ UP!!" will do fine:
2: A second verbal warning, following a stern bitch-slap:
3: Three strikes:you're out. Party member shall be shot in the leg and left behind to lure the zombies away.
STEP SIXTEEN:
Yes, a chainsaw is very cool and rips big chunks of zombie-meat. However, it is very unwieldy and should NEVER be used if there are multiple enemies in close proximity (or allies, for that matter).
STEP SEVENTEEN:
I will be fully aware that churches and other religious items hold no REAL power over the undead. It works on vampires, NOT zombies. Well...except for undead in the FinalFantasy series...but that doesn't count.
STEP EIGHTEEN
what DOES hold power over undead is a Vulcan cannon (aka Minigun).
get one as soon as possible.
STEP EIGHTEEN (Amendment)
Holding the Vulcan or Avenger Cannon with the highest regards in combat efficiency; the chances of actually FINDING said weapon(s) during a Zombie Apocalypse are extremely rare...
(The movies tend to exaggerate high-powered-weapon availability)
STEP NINETEEN:
Do not depend on anyone to save you, rescue you, or come to check on you. If three days after the apocolypse, you see a boat, truck, or car approaching...arm heavily and prepare for an asault. The odds that the "authorities" are coming to get you (much less knowing where you are) are less likely than the living food supply is getting thinner.
STEP TWENTY:
Find a doctor, pharmacist, nurse or surgeon - even if he is trying to cure the zombies - and kidnap him and all the medical supplies you can muster. Chances are that even basic medical attention will prevent a simple injuy from turning into a zombie infestation. Besides soap and water, how many of people could identify intestinitis or treat a urinary infection without consulting someone who knows medicine?
STEP TWENTY ONE:
Communications will be the first thing that society will restore. This will almost certainly be in the form of CB radios or short-wave transmitters. Find one and guard it with your life as it will be your first link to the other conclaves of survivors.
Caveat to STEP TWENTY ONE:
Just becasue you can talk to them does not make them friends, allies, rescuers or even useful. All dealings with strangers should be secure and cautious.
STEP TWENTY ONE (2nd Amendment)
Be CERTAIN the antennae to said CB radio is hidden AND reinforced so that it cannot somehow be disconnected by clawing fingernails...
STEP TWENTY TWO:
All vehicles in my town shall undergo regular maintenance. So to prevent such an incident where a nearby getaway vehicle simply "won't start" for some reason...
STEP TWENTY THREE:
aquire copious amounts of bananas and or plantains..... not for the reasons you would think. Because they can be both a source of fuel (can be brewed into variouse alchohols, this brewing process is another use of the stolen medical team) and as and unspoilable (when in sealed peel) source of variouse sugars and fibers.
If it isn't overkill..... it's underkill!
STEP TWENTY-FOUR:
If I attempt to hide in an area at all, it will have room for storage and multiple exits. I will not be trapped in a classroom at a high school with a horde of zombies swarming at the only entrance to the room.
So what i'd do is i'd round up a buncha apes and begin jerkin 'em off with a bottle of vaseline intensive car, then when i ran out, it'd shove it up the ass of the biggest one and hope that because these apes have all been jerked off, all they'd have left to do would be to throw shit, and this'd save the day because to have an army of shit throwing apes would have to be effective against the zombie onslaught.
(sigh) Well, since you forgot to NUMBER that one, it will have to be discarded...those are the rules that I just made up...
______________
The Good Cap'n
STEP TWENTY FIVE:
When I'm walking through a military complex and I see metal cages that have somehow been ripped open from the inside, with bits of furry flesh hanging from the cage; I will NOT just wonder what happened and move on...
STEP TWENTY SIX:
If, for whatever reason, my gun runs out of bullets and I know that there won't be any in the next room, I will keep it with me ANYWAY since it will still make a somewhat effective bludgeoning weapon - not the best anti-zombie strategy, but better than nothing.
STEP TWENTY SIX: (Amendment)
To avoid the need for a makeshift blugeoning weapon, I will have a pre-selected melee weapon of choice: a fireman's axe, or preferably a long samurai sword (ordered online in preparation long before said apocalypse). I will also be trained in basic combat maneuvers with melee weapon of choice; to avoid unwanted injury to myself or anyone in my surviving party...
STEP TWENTY SEVEN:
When walking outdoors, if the ground suddenly begins to tremble, I will immediately climb a tree, or a house, or some other sturdy concrete structure. I will NOT just stand around and wait for the giant mutant-zombie-earthworm to burst forth from beneath the ground and attack me...
STEP TWENTY EIGHT:
Given that in the days prior to the zombie apocolypse there were no such things as zombies; I shall not immediately reject the idea of the existence of "giant mutant-zombie-earthworms" just because there have never been any before.
STEP TWENTY NINE:
If I ever encounter a zombified "friend" I will kill them. If I ever encounter a zombified "person I don't like" I will kill them...and laugh.
STEP THIRTY:
When zombies are slowly but imminently closing on my position; I will not spend 30 minutes barricading doors and/or fortifying my position. I will instead spend that 30 minutes running away...to a place that requires NO barricading or fortification.
STEP THIRTY ONE:
If "Nuclear Air Strike" ever crops up on my list of options, I will perform it immediately where the zombies are thickest, no matter what survivors may still be in the area - odds are, they would just get killed while I was rescuing them anyway.
STEP THIRTY ONE: (amendment)
Of course, I won't assume that this will end the zombie threat - this is merely my cue to don a radioactive suit and resume whatever I was doing.
STEP THIRTY TWO:
Assume that the Zombie menace is here to stay. Don't wait for scientists (who probably created the menace to start with) will find a cure. Don't think that the zombies will finally rot and go away. Like all social diseases, Zombism will be with us for a long time even after the danger point has passed.
Sidebar to THIRTY TWO:
Don't spend a lot of time worrying about how the Zombie Apocolypse started. Like herpes or AIDS you know how it is transmitted. Wondering how it began is a fruitless exercise and distracts you from survival.
STEP THIRTY THREE:
If you must rescue a female companion from certain death more than once; you should assume that you are destined to bone her. Once you do... well... she's just another liability...
And DAMN... all her screaming sure gets annoying...
STEP THIRTY FOUR:
Once you have survived the Apocolypse, managed to figure out how to defend agasint becoming a zombie yourself, made arrangements for regular supplies and maintenance, estabished ways to monitor the recovery of essential services, and rescued/captured a prospective mate...
Keep your damn mouth shut and enjoy it. Nothing spoils a party faster than univited guests.
well if i woke up one day in my bedroom to see that nearly everyone in my neighborhood has become a zombie, i would go get a kitchen knife, aluminum baseball bat, cellphone, as much canned and dried food as i can find, a few books, and other random shit. i would pile it all into my car, and then haul ass to my friends' houses to gather any survivors. i would bring em all to a nearby mall, or possibly to a walmart that has two floors. i would have everyone go to upper ground, and barricade the stairs so that zombies would have even more trouble climbing upstairs
This is as good a place as any to mention that for the frugal zombie infestation survivalist, Wal-Mart sells machetes for $7.99. It's never too early to start training.
If, however, you were caught flatfooted by the undead menace and are now on a New Orleans style shopping trip to stock up in a hurry, be sure to head over to sporting goods and peruse their wide variety of shotguns. Bring an extra one home for the kids!
...and...that's you plan, huh? ...brilliant.
STEP THIRTY-FIVE:
I will ALWAYS know where the safety-catch is located on ALL the weapons I carry
STEP THIRTY-SIX:
I will not follow along with plans laid out by the kamakaze hot-head, let the estranged tough mother go off on her own, allow the ex-cop to cover my six or allow myself to fall into a typically predictable situation such as being cornered with no hope of escape.
STEP TWENTY FIVE: (Amendment)
The same applies to anything that appears recently broken or otherwise tampered with in any military or scientific setting, and any cage that has been ripped open from the inside in ANY setting.
STEP THIRTY SEVEN:
If, despite having carefully followed these steps, I find myself in a position where my death to hordes of zombies is clearly inevitable, I will not stand there and scream, I will light the fuses/pull the pins on any explosives I may be carrying and dive into the thickest group of zombies I can find. If there are other survivors, perhaps I will distract the zombies long enough for them to escape. If not... well, hey. Might as well go out with a bang, right?
STEP THIRTY EIGHT:
Should an unfortunate situation arise in which all electricity and / or communications in my area [ or the world in its entirety ] are down, I will not search for a way to restore them. It would be a waste of time, as the survival of myself, kidnapped / found / captured female companion, and any others who are as fortunate as I to have lived through the Zombie Apocalypse is more important. Tech geeks who somehow managed to live and are whining about their lack of a WiFi connection shall be tied down and left as zombie fodder.
Sidebar to Step Thirty Eight:
Said whining tech geeks shall be allowed to live if they find a way to restore the electricity or communications.
After all this time, I can't believe someone resurrected this thread.
"Resurrected"... get it? Get it? Heh... hehehehehehehe...
"Resurrected!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
/me thinks the zombies already have his brains
---------------------------------
STEP THIRTY NINE:
If electricity is, in fact, available (most probably due to the tech geeks), and I am in hiding somewhere, I WILL NOT waste my time moping about in fear. Instead, I will venture to the nearest video rental store and take as many Zombie Apocalypse movies I can find and do some research. I will study typical zombie attack patterns, failed and successful defense strategies peformed by the living, and any other useful information, all while hugging my shotgun.
Sidebar to STEP THIRTY NINE:
I WILL NOT perform such actions if the risk to myself or others is too great, and I will not let the videos distract me from actual impending zombie invasion, no matter how gripping the story is.
"And after it rains, there's a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It's not that the colors aren't there,
It's just imagination they lack"
-from Simon & Garfunkel's "My Little Town"
STEP FORTY:
If my beautiful female companion that I rescued from the zombies and is fated to become a love interest is bitten or injured by a zombie, and likely to become one, (In exception to steps ONE and THREE) I WILL NOT abandon her to her fate, but rather try to save her for two important reasons:
1. The desperate hope provided by this experience will increase my personal drive to survive, and
2. The love interest is ALWAYS cured, and by keeping her around I am more likely to find a cure for zombism.
Sidebar to STEP FORTY:
If it comes to a choice between my fate and her's, I will not sacrifice myself for a small chance of her survival.
"And after it rains, there's a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It's not that the colors aren't there,
It's just imagination they lack"
-from Simon & Garfunkel's "My Little Town"
Given your vast knowledge on zombism (aquired in step thirty-nine) Did you know that zombism isn't contracted, it has to be cast. That being the case will it ever get to the point where it will be truly as dramatic as you say?
Zombism has many different forms, including variation of cause. The most common way to recieve such a disease to to be bitten by another zombie (See Step One, among others), although you can be turned into one through various magics.
"And after it rains, there's a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It's not that the colors aren't there,
It's just imagination they lack"
-from Simon & Garfunkel's "My Little Town"
STEP FORTY ONE:
Upon closer examination of zombie victims, I will determine if the Zombism is communicable or of a curse-driven variety. Should the cause be the rare "Curse" zombie. After securing a "Zombie Free Zone", I would assemble the best warriors to lead an assault on the offending Lich/Hougain/Necromancer/Evil-doer. All attempts to stop/belittle/slow the unit would be used as bait to lure the zombies from afore mentioned "elite unit" so as to stop the "End of Life as We Know It" scenario from reaching its climax.
FORTYONE (b) All members of "elite unit" will be equally likeable so as to avoid the "less important member of the squad everyone likes dies to emphasize the threat" scenario.
FORTYONE (c) All members of the "elite unit" will be knowledgeable in trademarked One-liners and Catch phrases to further fill my purse once the threat has been eliminated.
STEP FORTY TWO
When embarking on a quest to destroy said offending Lich/Hougain/Necromancer/Evil-doer, I will not charge the front gate of his/her fortress/crypt/domain with guns-a-blazing. Rather, I will plan my attack carefully, considering all options and weighing the probability of success of each plan against the threat against my team members. If possible, I will find a nuclear silo or some other form of ranged weaponry with which to take out said Evil-doer rather foolishly risk my own life storming the castle.
STEP FORTY THREE:
Despite whatever I may have been taught by my religion and/or Final Fantasy, I will realize that it is highly unlikely that holy water will have any effect on zombies at all, much less function as a cure. Therefore, I will spend my time locating and using said holy water on said zombies only as a last resort. I'm much better off with a good shotgun.
STEP FORTY THREE (Amendment):
The same applies to root beer, voodoo or otherwise.
heh... root beer :)
STEP FORTY-FOUR:
If this apocalypse is caused by science gone awry, I will do everything in my power to protect the original mad scientist form both infection and death, provided it does not sacrifice my own life.
STEP FORTY-FIVE:
I will not send peoplelabeled as "minorities" in racial terms on risky solo missions. they tned to die quickly when left to themselves.
STEP FORTY-SIX:
I will use semi-automatic and automatic weaponry. I will only use said weaponry agiasnt large groups, as a means of crowd control. I will never underestimate the importance of a leatherman's tool or high explosives.
Survivalistically yours,
Theo
I think it's time for this topic to rise from the dead yet again.
STEP FORTY SEVEN:
I will remember to look up. I will not wait for any bodily fluids to drip on me and alert me to the fact that there is something dead above me - by the time that droplet hits the ground, the corpse to which it once belonged will be lacking a face due to shotgun fire and I will be standing back several paces and reloading. Nor will I stand there gaping at the suspended corpse long enough for another drip of bodily fluids to land on my upturned face. This is unsanitary and not a productive use of my attention, which is better spent dealing with the corpse if it is undead and looking out for any other zombie threats in the area if it isn't.
STEP FORTY-EIGHT
I will remember that while blunt weapons have that satisfyingly sickening crunch when they connect with a zombie torso, removing the head is always my first priority. I will work to obtain either a slicing or explosive weapon to remove heads as soon as possible.
STEP FORTY-NINE
If a mysterious trenchcoated man calling me "strangah" offers to sell me weapons under blue torchlight, I will not only accept his offer, but sell him the various and sundry trinkets I have collected along the way in exchange for upgrades for my current weapons and new, better ones.
In addition, I will not be creeped out when he says things like "Got sumth'n that might in'trest ya, heh heh heh!"
STEP FIFTY
The phrase "I thinks its dead" has the ability to raise the dead or regenerate zombies. Therfore those who utter "I think its dead" should be considered the evil necromancer, immediately shot, and have their body burned or dissolved in acid.
STEP FIFTY ONE:
NEVER under any circumstances say "I think we lost 'em" cus you never wil...
STEP FIFTY TWO:
Bleach does NOT kill everything...
53: Humming my own theme music, provided it is upbeat, contains no trumpet parts, and is not reminiscent of miltary of funeral marching, will prevent my continues existence.
54: Fire helps, but it uses fuel. Flaming liquor is incredibly useful.
55: All wooden blunt weapons are eitehr used for strentghtening barricades or lighitng thigns on fire. Wooden wepaons will not be used on Zombies, even ones with slahsing edges. They are diffuctl to maintain and prone to breakage.
56. Impaling does not kill zombies, but it can immobilize them. Immobilizing them still removes the threat for a time.
57. Shooting zombies so they fal on top of one another creates a pile of corpses. This crude barricade can be handy. It can also make a bridge, sadly. Keep structural realities in mind.
Healthily Yours,
Theo
STEP FIFTY-EIGHT:
I will keep in mind that ANY kind of nuclear weaponry has a 99% chance of requiring some sort of code to activate. hence I will not risk my life to secure said weaponry and will instead search for older more user-friendly forms of large scale weapons such as mortars, tho inaccurate, it is a much more feasible means to the same end.
Nuclear weaponry might actually promote their growth somehow. I would go to my local gun store, hide in the mountains and maybe make peace with the local animals. Hold off as long as I could before joining the armies of the zombies.
STEP FIFTYNINE wed sept 10/08 Now this is wht i would do one kill my whole family and pets tht r near by and then myself just cause its probly gonna happen any way and my way would not include being eaten or I would pack up all the animale food and human food cause we can live on animale food and I would go underground with any who would come but i would gather as much supplies as i can including radio's and other communication devices i will likly be infected befor i can do this but if i had the chance i would. Oh and any one in the group who if biten or showes simptums is shot on the spot me included also if we find somone who if human but bite shot one the spot as for finding a cure f**k tht just hide looking for a cure just leads to infection even if the movies r exagerating they r rit about some things but over all i would likly do my first option cause i just love my animals and they would probly die in all this and i would sacrifice the ebtire human race loved one except family to save my cat's and dog by the way a minigun runs out of bullets to easily and how would a teenager know how to load one or shoot one any way
Good grief, this topic is STILL active?
I take issue with this so-called "Step Fiftynine," though. That seems like more than a single step. I move it be stricken from the record on the grounds that it is not a proper step, but rather a whole battle plan.
Post new comment