Dungeons and Dragons Movie Trailer Review
I took the time to download the Dungeons and Dragons movie trailer today. I should have just spent the extra 5 minutes in bed. In case you don't have DSL or a cable modem, I'll take the time here to walk you through the trailer, scene by scene, line by line. You may need an airsickness bag.
I have two words for you.
Oh. my. god.
This has got to be the worst trailer I've ever seen. If this is what they're going to be showing in theatres in December, then the genre is doomed. Pick any fantasy film from the 1980s (with the exception of maybe Hawk the Slayer) and you've got a better movie than this looks to be.
Let's go step-by-step and see what we have here.
1. PG-13. OK, so we can expect some violence, maybe a bit of language. Probably no sex. Which, of course, is bogus. Every D&D campaign I was ever in involved the barmaid ending up in our room at the end of the night. And let's not discuss the captive elf maidens.
2. Bad smoke effects. This does not bode well.
3. Unnecessary, non-scary shot of a red demon statue. I have no idea what this is doing here.
4. Pan over a nice looking bridge. Shot on location. Nice sets. Pretty to look at. Looks a lot like the castles in The Phantom Menace.
5. Confusing swirly dragon globe thing. Dragon orb, we realize, after seeing it a second time. Got it.
6. Dark, imposing castle.
7. Close-up of dragon face. Totally non-scary and unimpressive. This was done better in Dragonheart, several years ago. You'd think they could at least have bought a Pentium II to do the CGI on.
8. V/O. "In a far away world..." Nice shots of castles on top of spires. But far away world? Like, Mars? Note that it's just "far away", not "far, far away."
9. Empress speaks. "All people deserve to be free and equal..." She is so amazingly whiny and pouty, worse even than Luke Skywalker with his infamous "But I was going to Tashi station to pick up some POWER converters..." No Emmy for her. She's obviously a rip-off of Princess Amidala.
10. Profion speaks. "The child is not fit to govern an empire." Profion is like a stereotype of every bad guy you've ever seen rolled into one, with a heavy dose of Emperor Palpatine. Also, he doesn't move his lips when he talks. This is frightening. Profion is played by Jeremy Irons. Which adds a whole new level to his relationship with the evidently 14-year old nymphette Empress.
11. Shot of several evil things. First, some sort of goblin or orc, not bad looking. Profion looking evil. Then some guy with blue lips and red ears. What is up with that? Is he dead? Is he a clown? Is he Al Gore?
12. Blue-lips speaks. "You can control dragons..." Shot of dragon foot. Because obviously we need to establish what a dragon is for the trailer.
13. Profion speaks. "With the dragon army at my command, I can crush the empress." Can we get any more cliche here? Moving on...
14. Several shots of bad guys playing with a wand, the empress in golden armor.
15. Smarmy thief speaks to elf friend. "This has gotta be some twisted magic experiment gone seriously wrong." Right on, dude. Groovy.
16. Shot of pretty castle.
17. Whiny empress speaks. "What can I do to stop Profion?" She has big, pouty lips. This movie is about lips, I think. No lips, blue lips, pouty lips, two lips. Is this Dr. Seuss? Or does this involve Jeremy Irons again?
18. Wise bearded advisor speaks. "If you could obtain the Rod of Savril, you could control red dragons." Demonic little imp looks on.
19. Shot of the Rod of Savril. Looks like one of those Klingon things, or maybe a leftover prop from Legend.
20. Painting of red dragons. The painting looks better than the actual CGI dragons.
21. Elf speaks. "I suggest we lay low, let the whole thing blow over, come back, rob everybody." Reaction shots from dwarf and princess. Dwarf mysteriously has no lines. Apparently they realize he was a mistake. He looks it.
22. Smarmy thief speaks. "There's one small problem"
23. Elf speaks. "Problem?"
24. Smarmy thief speaks. "I kinda committed us to find it." Amazing dialogue, let me tell you. This scriptwriter should win an award. Woo.
25. Several shots of dragons, some sort of nuclear detonation as the Death Star blows up or something.
26. Profion speaks. "Let their bloooooooood, raiiiiiiiin upon our skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies!" Except more vowels. And his lips don't move.
27. Words: Just when you think you're safe
28. Smarmy thief speaks. "Trust me." Cut to smarmy thief attacking heavily armed guard with a blue glowing sword. Always a bad sign. Blue, glowing swords. Almost like sabers made of light.
29. Elf, distraught, speaks. "I hate when you say dat." Yes, he says "dat". And he's black. We won't get into that.
30. Elf gets sucked into carpet. Elf screams. Silly elf.
31. Words: You're in more danger
32. Smarmy thief speaks. "Don't touch that." Elf touches it, of course. Thief polymorphs into gold dragon. Hahahahahaa. Erk.
33. Princess sucked into map. There's a lot of sucking going on. And lips. Did I mention lips?
34. Blue lips guy speaks. "Kill them. Slowly."
35. Obi-Wan Kenobi speaks. "Nooooooooooooo!"
36. Thief falls from tower. So there's hope.
37. Words: Just when you think you've figured it out
38. Thief master speaks. "You finish the maze, you win the prize." Blades swinging, fire shooting out as thief runs maze. Unfortunately, he lives.
39. Words: Everything changes
40. Blue lips speaks. "You'll have to do better than that."
41. Alyssa Milano throws a lightning ball at Blue Lips.
42. Words: Just when all seems lost
43. Female elf speaks to dwarf. "They must complete this task alone." Woo. Action packed.
44. Elf pulls glowing magic faerie dust from a bag.
45. Female elf is revealed to be a ranger when male elf says "You know, I love the way you track." Did I mention the stellar dialogue?
46. Another bad sword fight. Smarmy thief gets his butt kicked by Blue lips.
47. Words: You find your way
48. Smarmy thief speaks to elf. "I'll get Morena, you get the map."
49. Cut to kiss. Awww. No, not the elf and the thief. Anakin and Amidala. I mean, the thief and the empress.
50. Elf responds, in the only truly funny line in the entire trailer, "How come you get the girl and I get a map? We gotta work out some new plans."
51. Words: And just when you think you know the rules
52. Blue lips. "I want them found"
53. Series of quick shots, including a beholder, some badly-equipped guards, some dragons flying over the city.
54. Profion speaks without moving his lips. "Do you really think you can steal my destiny?" He's in a showdown on top of the tower with the young thief. There are glowing wands and swords. The city is so high up, it could be a city in the clouds, a veritable Cloud City. All we need is the token black guy to be Lando and we've got a movie here.
55. Words: You realize
56. Thief speaks to elf. "Be careful"
57. Token black guy speaks to thief. "You too. Heh!"
58. Word: This
59. Shot of a bunch of wizards firing fireballs at dragons, and missing. Um,these are red dragons guys. RED. They breathe FIRE. Fire, immune to. La.
60. Word: Is
61. Shot of gold dragon flying, poor CGI. Poor, poor CGI.
62. Shot of thief attacking Profion, glowing sabers of light again.
63. Word: Not
64. Series of semi-cool shots. Dragons battle overhead, ceilings collapse, Profion throws up a wall of ice to stop a dragon fireball. Too bad it all lasts like 3 seconds.
65. Words: A good movie
66. Series of shots. Dragon dives; fire destroys a wall; Connor McLeod and The Kurgan battle it out for the prize, because there can be only one; Profion gives the princess menstrual cramps; Dragons battle; Blue Lips has some things come out of his ears; and then...
67. The most awful bluescreen I have ever seen as the princess is chased by Profion on dragonback. Awful awful awful. Awful.
68. Profion speaks. "Now it's your time, to die." This guy should be a ventriloquist, the way he keeps his lips totally still the whole time.
69. Dragons breathe fire.
70. Show title. Big boomy V/O announces "Dungeons and Dragons."
71. Scary voice speaks as a door opens. "You want to play, do you?"
72. Show cast and credits.
73. Evil laughter.
74. Gold dragon roars
75. Reveal that it's out on December 8th.
Gah. The worst part is you probably need to see it for yourself to understand how truly awful this is going to be. If you feel you must check it out, zoom on by http://www.seednd.com. but don't say I didn't warn you.