Gamer Stereotypes 101


Hello, and welcome to my class. Today we shall embark on a satirical exploration of stereotypes found in RPGs - players and Game Masters alike. Everybody is parodied equally! Have fun as we apply each of these stereoypes to the "Orc and Pie" scenario.

He goes by many names, and has many titles. He is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. No, we're not talking about God, but rather the Dungeon Master, the Storyteller, the Game Master, Yes Sir, His Highness, ruler of the RPG universe.

The Role-play GM stuck with a roll-play group:

"GM: You enter the room. The door clangs open with an ominous sound. The room is lightly lit, enough to see by, but not much more. Make a distance perception roll. Yes, the room appears to be about 8 feet by 8 feet by 8 feet. You spy cobwebs in the shadows of the ceiling, your druid can sense venomous spiders lurking within their lairs, waiting for some helpless insect to stumble into its web. An orc is lurking in the middle of the room, his green muscles bulging in apprehension. Sweat glistens off of his rippling biceps, and saliva drips in string from his mouth. Behind the orc you spot a four-legged table, made of some sort of wood. Made a wood identification roll. Yes, you identify the table as being made of oak wood. There is a dish on the table, containing some sort of food. Make a Dessert and Pastry Perception roll. Critical failure? All you can discern from the pan is that it contains a food item of some sort, probably baked. The table casts shad-

Okk Bloodaxe: I run in and smash the bad guy with my axe. Does he have any good loot?"

The roll-play GM stuck with a role-play group:

"GM: You enter the room. There's an orc there, with a pie behind him.

Xllerynié Flerigvullo: Pie? Do I have the ability to discern what the pie contains? Does it have a magic aura? I cast Detect evil on the pie.

GM: It's a cherry pie. How can it be evil? The orc charges you and engages in combat.

Fflerdiou Zlerggiou: He may not mean us any harm. Let's try to negotiate before we do anything rash. I speak in Orcish. "Grunt grunt growl howl thud *smash*" (Interpretation: Hello there, good sir. Wilt though exchange thy confection for a few pieces of silver?) Fflerdiou holds out an arm containing 5 silver pieces.

GM: *Sigh* The orc brings down his axe on your arm, severing it just below the elbow. Make a note on your character sheet that your right arm is missing.

Fflerdiou: (OOC) But Fflerdiou is left handed! He would have held his left hand out.

GM: Fine! Your left hand is missing."

The "By His Grace We Are Made L337" GM:

"GM: You see a lone orc sitting on a pile of treasure, wielding a rusty sword.

PC1: I attack the orc.

GM: The orc attempts to parry your blow, but his blade snaps. In fear, the kobold runs out of the room, running directly into the trap you guys ingeniously avoided by walking straight down the corridor. Arrows fly out of the wall, impaling the luckless monster. The One Ring, a palantir, and The Black Cauldron fall out of the orc's pockets.

PC2: What? That's it? What's in the treasure pile?

GM: You find a cherry pie. Upon further inspection, you discover that eating even a small portion of this pie will grant you immortality and other god-like powers. Um... I'll also give you three rolls off the special Über Rare Treasure Chart I drew up last night."

The GM From Hell:

"GM: A shady figure approaches you in the tavern. "I have a job for you. Meet me in my room upstairs."

Warrior: We follow him upstairs.

GM: As soon as you exit the sight of any bystanders, the shady figure laughs maniacally. He metamorphoses into a demon from the Ninth Circle Of Hell. "I have you now!" he exclaims. In addition, a grand piano falls through the ceiling, landing on your happy little group, doing 4d20+10 damage.

Thief: I have a dexterity of 17. I should be able to dodge that.

GM: Roll 3d6. Ooh, you missed critical success by one. You leap aside, gracefully avoiding the falling piano, and even more gracefully impaling yourself on the large steel spike that just materialized out of the wall.

Ex-Thief: This is ridiculous. This is the fifth character that I've had die tonight. I'm leaving."

The GM With No Creativity:

"GM: You, the halfling Dodo, are summoned to the council of Felrond to discuss the future of the necklace you have been left by your uncle Tilbo. During the council, you learn that this necklace is the One Necklace, the source of the Dark Lord Noruas's power (Hah! They'll never catch me if I spell stuff backwards!). It is determined that the necklace must be cast into the fiery pit of Rorom from whence it came. A Brotherhood Of The Necklace is formed, whose 7 members consist of you, Blandalf the wizard, Megomas the elf, Glumli the dwarf, Norgara the rightful king of Kondor, Doorameer, the son of the steward of Kondor, and your close friend and gardener Gamwise Samgee."

Feel free to add your own.

The RPG-Designer GM

GM: "And now, we move on to the climax of the adventure....for which I have written some special rules. Have a quick flick through, they won't take long to learn, honest." (Hands everyone a 100-page rule supplement)

Players: "We go home"

The 2d6 GM

Player 1 (Plate Mail clad Half-Ogre with 6 dexterity): "I try to leap the burning chasm"

GM: "Roll 2d6....high good, low bad"

Player 2 (Leather clad Elven Thief with 19 dexterity): "OK I do the same."

GM: "Roll 2d6....high good, low bad"

The "Cold, Cold, Cold" GM

GM: "The bad guy legs it into the forest, carrying with him the Orb of Unfeasible Importance. You lose him."

Players: "Well, we've got a Ranger a Barbarian and a Druid in our party. We use all our woodland skills and try to track him."

GM: "The trail seems to have gone cold."

Players: "OK, the cleric casts 'Locate Object'. He hops on the flying carpet with the mage and flies over the forest trying to locate the Orb."

GM "Cold."

Players: "The mage ESPs as well to try to pick up the bad guy's thoughts."

GM: "Cold, cold, cold."

I believe the "GM who is an aspiring (hack) novelist"

GM: Before you can do anything, a hundred things happen, changing the circumstances completely becasue your characters are there only to provide witness to the greatest story ever told."

Also I'm partial to Call of Cthulhu's Keeper of Secrets title for GM.
Great article.

The 'Arguementive' GM

GM: You come into a room there is an orc, he's eating a pie.

Player: Alright, I'll hit him with my sword (Rolls D20) Is 20 good enough?

GM: You can't roll a 20 with that die!

This happened TWICE when i was playing..

Nice article dude, hear are a few of mine.

Captain Obvious

DM: Alrighty, You guys go into the next room it's pretty much the same as the last one
except there aren't any monsters that you can see this time.

Player: I light one of my torches.

DM: Ok. In the very middle of the room *Giggles* you see a stone pedestal with ornate carving, on this
pedestal *hehehheh* there is a silver *Snickers solidly* necklace with magical marks and a ruby *Bursts into laughter* set *More laughter* in the middle *Continues laughter*

Player: *sigh* I don't take it

DM: Pussy

Lord Fudgicus

Player: I charge the kobold.

DM: *Rolls dice, thinks* It leaps out a spit second before your sword comes down, dodging your attack by a hair's bredth.

Player: Dang. Oh yeah I forgot to mention those bull's strength potions I took. Plus my sword is masterwork too.

DM (Immediately): No, it still misses, Now its his turn, He attacks you with his broken bottle
*Rolls Dice* Uh oh *Rolls Dice Again* OWW! Did he ever get lucky. Alright you take 9 damage
*Calculates* Oh No, Looks like your guy is unconcious. His friends move in for the kill.

Player: Alright, Let me see those dice.

DM: No you'll ruin the game.

I wrote a bunch of shit here; but never mind....


DM: You can hear kobolds bickering in the forest clearing ahead of you. Does anyone speak kobold?

Rogue: I do.

Bard: Do they hear us yet?

DM: Make a listen check. 15? Ok, from what you can make out, they're just...talking about the results of a dice game they were playing earlier. One of them is insisting he did not cheat.

Cleric: Ok, I'll cast "change self" to look like a kobold.

Bard: Uh, I would say you'd have to make the tail manually.

Cleric: It's...not quite as open to interpretation as it sounds. The description just says "transform into any humanoid of your size category."

Bard: I'm just sayin'...that's what I would do.


DM: Ok, so as you're walking through the woods, you see a pixie caught in a magic sphere. Does anyone speak Sylven?

Druid: I do, but I don't care about it. Pixies are assholes.

DM: Ok...well, does anyone want to do anything about it?

(shoulders shrug, heads shake, players' hands do that "meh" gesture)

DM: Ok...well, after walking along for a few more hours, the pixie flutters up to the druid, exhausted, and says to you, "How could you just leave me in there?"

Bard: He can't understand what it's saying, but Cleglaw finds it obnoxious. I cast silence.

DM: Alright, cool, cool...a traveler on a horse up ahead is watching you in amazement. "My heavens, I have not witnessed an act of pure magic in many years! Come come, I will house you at my inn, perhaps you can aid our noble town in our plight!"

Bard: "We don't want to."

DM: Ok, after careful consideration, you decide adventuring is very "90's", so you each settle down in your respective lifestyles with families and cottages and regular, medieval-type jobs. You all live to a modest age and die with humble dignity. Re-roll new characters.


Player: 17, 15, 14, 12, 10, 6.

DM: You can round all those up, and make that 6 an 18. Actually, make that 10 an 18 too. 18's for everyone!


Player: Yes! I got an 18!

DM: Mm...the gods are jealous of your character's amazing strength and give you bone spurs. Enfeeble that sucker down to a 15.


DM: Ok, you're fighting this vampire named Jessica. And she just walks right into your life and rips out your heart.

Fighter: Wh-what? What the-

DM: Then she puts it back in though, and she's like, "Oh, sorry, that was totally by accident!" or whatever, and you just buy it, yeah, you actually let yourself BELIEVE it was an accident. And you know you're lying to yourself, but you don't care. So just when you think you've finally sensed her motive, WHAM, she hits you with a greater ray of breakin'-up-with-you, without even allowing you a saving throw. And then you're back to level 1...sittin' in a basement with a bunch of losers. Am I right? (looks up, everyone is gone)

I had a plot resisting party once. I would thow them hooks all over the place; the shop they owned was sacked and robbed, they would be attacked by mysterious strangers and high profile NPCs would request their presence. They wanted to simply run their weapons shop (as in wait for customers and role-play "Hello, browse my wares") and go to the market district to purchase tasty sandwiches. They still wouldn't take the bait when said sandwiches were maliciously poisoned. Worst 4 hours of my life.