The Red Green Berets: A Real Canadian Hero


Another in Whutaguy's series of TV show crossovers. This one is based on The New Red Green Show and G. I. Joe.

Reconnaissance Report: Northwoods, North America

I have carefully scouted and analyzed the capabilities of the covert operations unit "Possum Lodge". This elite strike force operates, outside the constraints of the Canadian military charter, from the area known as the Greater Possum Lake Area at a location called Fort TheBestest or more commonly, Port Asbestos. Be advised that while there is a hierarchy, each individual of the unit is capable of operating independently of the others and capable of great destruction, both to personnel and materiel. In addition to the mission operative detailed below, there is a unit of local security easily identified by their khaki vests and their allegiance to the Man Code. "I am the Man. I can change the world. I have to. I'm the best." Persons outside the unit most frequently quote a derivative of this "I am a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess."

The unit contains an enormous number of non-standard vehicles including cars, trucks, boats, snowmobiles, and aircraft. Additionally, most members of the unit are adept at skis, and snowshoes. This unit is the exception to the rule that G.I.Joe type units cannot operate effectively.

Headquarters Group

Red Green: Technically not the commander of this unit, but definitely its' leader. He is approximately equivalent to a First Sergeant of a standard company. He is a master of hand to hand weapons, to the extent of conducting precision machining operation with a mattock. He is also in favor of using powered versions of anything. He is also responsible for the units PR, often referring to their missions as "meetings."

"Old Man" Sedgwick. The commander of the unit although it seems his position is primarily administrative.

"Junior" Singleton. Another administrative type, actual position unknown.

Bill Smith: Training officer: This man is capable of making almost anything dangerous, and is knowledgeable in all skills. He often commits dangerous stunts to emphasize the importance of safety and technique. The most dangerous aspect of this man is his willingness to put anything into pants, the danger being who knows what he will pull out.

Adventurer Walter: Training NCO: Most often found with Bill Smith. While not as adept at most things as Smith, he also knows no fear.

Bob Stuyvesant: Government Attaché: While not technically part of the unit, his position merits his early mention.

Gordon "Ranger Gord" Ranger: Local Security Head: A master woodsman, Ranger Gord watches over the area from Fire Tower 16, one of 40+ towers with excessive weaponry.

Transport Group

Buzz Sherwood: Pilot. Specializing in light aircraft of civilian appearance, Sherwood is definitely an Ace, and his aircraft perform superlatively, performing acrobatic stunts while loaded with weight beyond the capability of most aircraft of similar size. He navigates unerringly by dead reckoning; his instruments are in a box under the seat, because regulations require that he have them.

Dougie Franklin: Truck Driver: The operator of a monster of a truck. Monster in the sense of destroying Tokyo.

Hap Shaugnessey: River Pilot/Smuggler: While his boating skills are adequate for the unit, his primary skill is lying. To practice, he tells huge obvious lies to the members of the lodge. His subtler lies are indistinguishable from truth.

Dwight Cardiff: Boat Master: Dwight is a newer addition to the unit, responsible for major repair and maintenance of unit's boats. He was recruited after the disappearance of Glen Brackston.

Glen Brackston (MIA): Insertion/Extraction Specialist: Glen's primary responsibility was the maintenance of the unit's water vehicles, but also operated his Ar-V, Armored vehicle, a personnel carrier for less covert operations.

Mission Specialists

Harold Green: Computers/Communications

Edgar "KB" Montrose: Demolitions

Winston Rothchild III: Tunnels/Mechanical Systems and Finance

Dalton Humphrey: Quartermaster

Mike Hamar: Stealth/Breaking and Entering

Ed Frid: Animal Expert

Other specialist whose areas are unknown:
Stinky Peterson
Moose Thompson
Buster Hadfield
Flinty McLintock
Wally "Kickback" Kibbler

End Report

Author's Notes
For those who haven't seen it, The New Red Green Show, is a BBC production that shows on many PBS stations. There is usually a short plot-line interspersed with skits involving "What, How, and If men think." Regular features include Handyman Corner, Adventure's with Bill, and The Experts (where fans try to get men to say those 3 little words "I don't know").

The premise is a lodge, such as Moose or Elks in a rural area. Women are seldom seen on the show though several are frequently referred to. There are occasional guest characters also. Dave Thomas (of Bob and Doug MacKenzie Fame) plays Dougie Franklin's brother Ben.

All in all, I'm not real pleased with how this article came off. I did not put my usual forethought into it. It actually went from idea to paper in about 3 hours. Also unlike my previous efforts, some research actually went into it. I still like the concept, it just wasn't executed well.