The 25 Types of Fantasy Role-Players
Having just started up gaming again after a 5-year hiatus, I've learned two things in just three weeks. First, 3rd Edition isn't as bad as some people say, nor is it as good as some people say. It's as good or as bad as you make it. And secondly, it's the people you game with who make the game as good or as bad as it can get. With that in mind, it seemed appropriate to share this humorous email I got with the Gamegrene readers.
By now, most gamers are familiar with the traditional four types of players: The Real Man, The Real Roleplayer, The Loonie, and The Munchkin. Obviously, the creation of the Four Types is meant to be a joke, as well as a gross oversimplification, but even so, it's time we had a much more detailed oversimplification. So here, without further ado, is the Groening-style "FRP Is One of the Nine Hells" summary (originally by William Chase Bynum):
1. The Real Man - "Hot Diggity!! Gnoll outpost at twelve o'clock!! CHAAAAAAAARGE!!!"
2. The Real Roleplayer - "Don't start yet!! I need my two minutes to get properly into character."
3. The Loonie - "I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips."
4. The Munchkin - "Five arch-devils and two demigods? That's ALL?! I guess I'll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter."
5. The Coward - "Yikes! Three kobolds!! Retreat! Retreat!"
6. The Troublemaker - "Just before the Mayor gives his speech to the town, I cast 'command - vomit' on him."
7. The Novice - "I just rolled a 2 on my 'to hit' roll. Did I want high or low?"
8. The Tactician - "The archer will move silently into position behind the podium, carefully aiming at the sergeant. The mage will remain behind the door in preparation of a 'sleep' spell which will be centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards. Meanwhile, the fighter and I . . ."
9. The Quiet Type - "I dunno . . . I lob off another arrow at the monster this round, I guess."
10. The Punster - "You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? One to cast 'cure light'."
11. The PC Infighter - "Since Ruth's been such a twit, I hit her in the face with my flail while she's casting her 'find familiar' spell."
12. Joe I-Got-the-Rules-Down-Pat - "No, if you look in the DMG, page 87, paragraph 5, you'll find this spell won't affect griffons."
13. The Whiner - "Three points?! I take THREE POINTS OF DAMAGE!?! Frank, what the hell kind of grudge do you have against me?"
14. The Bully - "Are you sure I don't make my saving throw? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure? Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?"
15. Mr. Greedy - "So it's not evil? And it's not attacking? So what! I WANT THAT XP!!!!"
16. The Cheater - "I roll an... 18! It hits!" [Quickly grabs dice.]
17. The Chastiser - "And you DIDN'T SEE THAT TRAP COMING? Hahahaha!! Just how long did you say you've been playing this game?"
18. The Kamikaze Guy - "I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land dead center on the hobgoblin patrol. Just before I hit the ground, though, I set off the "fire trap' on all my nine flasks of oil."
19. The Good Roller - "Oh, looky here. An 03 on percentile dice. If that door was trapped, I just found something."
20. The Bad Roller - "Oh, damn it all!! *Another* critical fumble!!"
21. The Braggart - "The thought of you attacking me isn't even interesting. I could get off a 'sleep' spell and slit your unconscious throat before you even get your longsword out of its sheath."
22. The Reminiscer - "Say, y'know, this is like the time our party thief spent twenty minutes trying to lock-pick an unlocked door."
23. Goody Two-Shoes - "Wait a minute. Even if they are orcs, we just can't kill them when they're asleep and can't defend themselves."
24. The Overoptimistic Daydreamer - "After we get through this campaign, and have gained about nine, ten levels, I'm going to buy me the finest battle axe +3 money can buy."
25. Short-Attention-Span Man - "Hmmm? What? Are we attacking now?"