Agony uncle

"Agony uncle" is a derogatory term applied to employees of the Folktown Records weekly newspaper, a long running and esteemed publication with over six hundred issues released. Since the core focus of the Folktown Records is to be a conduit between answers and the innocent questions children ask, a large number of employees are patient and wise men and women, trained to answer tough questions simply, but correctly.

Unfortunately, the trials and tribulations of insatiable and unyielding children can wear anyone down, and such was the case of Windsor Creame, a 57-year old man in his twelfth year of service at the paper. One cool and calm day, the polar opposite of the heated fury to follow, Windsor was touring his nephew, Daniel Mboya, around the Folktown Records office. What follows next was hastily transcribed by a fellow employee:

Windsor: And this is where our answers are edited.

Daniel: What's editing?

Windsor: Well, it's when someone improves your writing.

Daniel: Because it was bad?

Windsor: No, no. They give it a polish that makes it better.

Daniel: If it wasn't bad, why does it need to get better?

Windsor: It could need tightening or clarification, or...

Daniel: What's clarfication [sic]?

Windsor: It's when something is made clearer and more understandable.

Daniel: So, your answer was bad because it wasn't clear?

Windsor (laughing): No, no. It may have just been confusing to read.

Daniel: If the answer was right, how could it be confusing?

Windsor: Oh look, this is the break room. We've got brownies!

Daniel: If your answer isn't wrong or bad, why does it need improving?

Daniel: Improving my reading makes me better at it, right?

Daniel: And clarfication [sic] makes something not confusing.

Daniel: So your answer must have been confusing and not good!

Windsor: No, Daniel, it just means two heads are better than one.

Daniel: I think I need more clarfication [sic]. Is the editing man here?

It was at this point that the transcriber reported Windsor becoming more shifty, nervous, and red-in-the-face, "unbecoming of a job where understanding and civility were crucial." Sadly for poor Daniel, the unfolding events change based on who you question. The transcriber recalls Windsor pushing Daniel roughly into the break room, and slamming him into one of the empty wooden chairs.

On the other hand, the gardener, outside in the bright sun, reports Windsor waving cordially, and "enjoying a brownie with his favorite nephew." The transcriber disagrees, saying that Windsor "forcefully [shoved] food into the boy's mouth." The editor, returning from a meeting down the hall, saw only Windsor, with his hand cupped over Daniel's mouth, leaving "in a huff."

Regardless of what really happened at the Folktown Records that day, the next time Daniel was seen, he was badly bruised and bleeding profusely. When prompted for an explanation, the boy's scratchy and barely discernible voice proved unintelligible. Further medical investigation showed internal bleeding in the throat area, indicative that the boy had literally screamed, presumably in agony, until even that caused further pain.

When Windsor returned home that night, hours after Daniel was discovered leaving bloody footprints on Madam Calvian's marble walkway (herself a neighbor to the transcriber), he was detained and brought in for questioning. After proving "uncooperative" by not stating the "truth" as the authorities figured it, he was locked away in a cell without further due process.

Bavarian Creame, Windsor's wife of seven years, categorically denies that Windsor could do such a thing, stating that "he and poor Daniel had just gone spelunking last week and had a great time!" After being brought in as an accomplice, Bavarian was released due to lack of evidence.

Daniel died the following day due to blood collecting in his lungs, and his death was officially pronounced a murder. As the news swept the community, so did the macabre reason for Daniel's inability to name his abuser: his ragged and raw throat, ripped apart by the screams no one seemed to hear. Even without irrefutable proof, Windsor Creame, newly dubbed the "agony uncle" and pushed "over the edge by the ceaseless accusations of answer ineptitude", was the obvious choice. However, several friends and family of Windsor believe him to be innocent, and at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Citations: Bavarian Creame, Folktown Records.

--Morbus Iff 18:42, 27 Aug 2004 (EDT)

Unofficially, I have a concern with the sixth floor and the report of the gardener: On the other hand, the gardener, outside in the bright sun, reports Windsor waving cordially, and "enjoying a brownie with his favorite nephew. It's certainly explainable that Windsor waved down upon the gardener, but there's no way said foliager would know that they were enjoying brownies, not when they're six floors up. --Morbus Iff 20:44, 18 Oct 2004 (EDT)

That just deepens the mystery, doesn't it then? --DrBacchus 08:44, 19 Oct 2004 (EDT)

Perhaps the gardener was able to recognize the characteristic wail of a Brownie in orgasm. --John Cowan 13:06, 19 Oct 2004 (EDT)