Kmuppens' Taxonomy

In -147 EC, Ull Gitshire Kmuppens published the tome that was to mark the founding of Ghyllian biology, the unpresumptuously named Kmuppens' Taxonomy. This breath-taking work purported to "Collect and Classify (with at least a modicum of order) the Flora and Fauna, both Arcane and Mundane, from the Length and Breadth of Ghyll." And, notwithstanding several inevitable omissions, the publication did just that.

The KT, as it is fondly referred to among biologists, organizes all Ghyllian life forms into categories based on their internal and external visual characteristics, their reproduction and feeding habits and the whim of the beholder. Although critics complain that the classification scheme poorly exemplifies the backwards logic so necessary for higher learning, the system is really quite accessible. There are six levels of categories, ranging from most to least broad: Viceroyalty, Phyllum, Class, Order, Family, Specious genies.

All life forms are divided into the three Viceroyalties of Mejico, Porru, and Mineral. The Viceroyalty Mejico contains all creatures that have eyes in the back of their heads and are capable of autolocomotion, or are incapable of autolocomotion and are red on at least one side. In contrast, the Viceroyalty Porru contains all creatures that absorb liquids from their surrounding environments or jiggle when touched. The Viceroyalty Mineral contains all living beings that are contained in neither of the other two Viceroyalties or are contained in both.

There are increasingly many phylla, classes, orders and families, corresponding to increasing specific classification criteria. For example, the orders in the Class Absinthe include Nocturnal, Diurnal, Insectile, Mammalian and Chartruese. Any organism that might otherwise be classified under two or more of these orders is classified as Composite. Composite creatures include chukarandos, aelfants, and our own Specious genies, Smart ghyllian (yes!).

The Specious genies categorization is slightly more complex than that of the phylla and families. Each type of living organism, in addition to receiving a two word Specious genies name that uniquely identifies it, at least within its family, also receives a designation of (yes!), (no.) or (maybe?). This designation, known as the quantum criterion value, depends on the capacity of the organism for untruthfulness. Only organisms with the ability to originate and process counterfactual statements, for good or for evil, are given the rare (yes!) value. Most organisms are designated as (no.)s, with a few (maybe?)s, principal among them the rich earth cacti.

As an example, we give the complete classification of the Darseed, Double Headed Glass-Eater and Phaelros:

The Family Oh-Look-a-Pretty-Flower, of which the darseed is a member, is estimated by some scholars to be the largest family of all. In addition to the darseed, it contains numerous important ceremonial plants, including the ubiquitous pochre flower. The vast array of organisms in this family has been attributed to Kmuppens' omnivorous aesthetic sense and fondness of festivals.

Please observe the correct capitalization for such Kmuppens' Taxonomy classifications: All Viceroyalty, phyllum, class, order, and family names should be capitalized. The word "Viceroyalty," when used to refer to the taxonomical entity, is always capitalized. "Phyllum," "class," "order" and "family" are not capitalized unless referring to a specific phyllum, class, order or family. The Specious genies of an organism is always written with the first word capitalized and the second word in lowercase, just as the phrase "Specious genies." The formatting for the quantum criterion value is fixed.

Citations: Pochre Petals, Rich Earth Cactus, Whim of the beholder.

--Lady Aleksandra 22:33, 5 Aug 2005 (EDT)