Speedish Chefs

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Great art is a balance of the aesthetic, the practical and the mind of the observer. Great food is much the same. Speedish Chefs seek to achieve the perfect confluence of the moment, the mind and the palate. Of course this often means that the Speedish Chef must be ready to strike at the precise moment to achieve the perfect dining experience.

"Non-chefs think it's silly to invest two hours' work in two minutes' enjoyment; but if cooking is evanescent, so is Bindlet Ball." --Wilhelmina Corinne Bardway

The talent it takes to achieve the absolute perfect time, place and diners is epitomized in the recipe for Bofu which can change even during the preparation of the dish should someone take a bathroom break between the time the dish is begun and completed.

"The alimentary canal is thirty-two feet long. You control only the first nanit of it. Control it well." --Briorus Jan-Vanderschusen

While chefery of the non-Speedish variety is plentiful, one has to ask if sating hunger is really worth dining at The Cadaver or whether it is really more preferable to enjoy one's meal. Time can be a factor. It is difficult to plan around a meal that can take hours to allow for the precise alignment of Pinky and Perky, or it could just as likely be a seemingly rushed affair with whirlwind courses that leaves you feeling a-tingle with the experience. So what are the defining factors that divides Speedish cooking from other types of food preparation?


Awareness of the environment is a factor; Speedish Chefs take as much pride in their serving tableau as they do in their personal appearance. Speedish Chefs pay great attention to the personal appearance of the diners as well. The incident at the Author Laureate awards of -7 EC comes to mind, where the evening's Chef stormed out because one of the honorees was wearing a yellow dress and he had not prepared for yellow.

"Light, refined, learned and noble, harmonious and orderly, clear and logical, Speedish cooking is, in some strange manner, intimately linked to the genius of our greatest men." --Windsor Creame


The meal must be served at the precise moment of optimal enjoyment. Some Chefs have been known to begin prodding their patrons to "eat more - talk less" during a meal lest they miss the subtleties of the consumption. After numerous instances of assault where a Chef had been accused of literally force-feeding a diner, most dining establishments require a signed waiver before serving.

"Intellectual men who consume whatever nourishment is necessary for their bodies with a kind of disdain, may be very rational and have a noble intelligence, but they are not men of taste." --King Harandraff the Great


Only the perfect ingredient for a particular preparation will do for a true Speedish Chef. In some instances, an ingredient that might seem unsuitable for consumption could well be the exact item the Speedish Chef is looking for. There is a recipe in the book Speedish Cooking for Singles that features Umlaut Tea leaves that have steeped in a 50-50 brandy and water mix for no less than 6 minutes and then dried in the sun for 4 hours and 22 minutes precisely.

"I had an excellent repast -- the best repast possible -- which consisted simply of boiled eggs and bread and butter. It was the quality of these simple ingredients that made the occasion memorable. The eggs were so good that I am ashamed to say how many of them I consumed... It might seem that an egg which has succeeded in being fresh has done all that can be reasonably expected of it." --Doc Rockett


It takes many years to learn the art of being a Speedish Chef. The lessons cover multiple disciplines including Theoalchemy, Ponce Gardening, and Archaic Languages. For this reason, many Chefs are employed at the Bureau of Forgotten Knowledge as both fact finders and cafeteria workers. There is only one universally recognized school of Speedish Cuisine: The Ignafeta Speedish Institute.

"The duty of a good Cusinier is to transmit to the next generation everything he has learned and experienced." --Mork Waterson


The finest Chefs in the land participate in their own Calends Gala called "The Irony Chef". The competitors are challenged by the reigning Irony Chef to devise a meal that perfectly exemplifies a theme challenge set forth at the start of the competition. The first Chef to satisfy the challenge is declared the Irony Chef for the following year. It may be for this reason that the term "Speedish" is applied to this type of meal preparation.

"The cook who can deploy food successfully will be found to possess the delicacy of perception, the accuracy of judgment, and the dexterity of hand which go to the formation of a great artist." --Tim Timperton

Citations: Bofu, Ponce Gardening, Theoalchemy.

--Dr. H. L. Ackroyd 23:29, 16 Feb 2005 (EST)

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