Ignatius Maximillian Albertus Crank
[The following is a transcript of the only known contemporary mention of Professor Ignatius Maximillian Albertus Crank other than the scraps purported to have been written by him; from an advertisement handed out in a fête programme in roughly -80 EC.]
Roll up, Roll up!
* * *
* * *
For a contrivance of your Quezloos:
"Astonishing" Hair Tonic
Never again will your hairy parts be hairyless! Winter is "coming"; don't be caught a fool with your sensitive parts frozen to the surroundings.
Lo! Prof. I.M. Albertus Crank
will demonstrate the mysteries of the quayres as he re-enacts his famous
Potting of the Ten Kettles
being as he is a world class &nd most utterly "excellent" handler of those Stoppers and Steppers.
"Help, for I am trapped in a strange advertisement!"
Will Prof. Crank again Flaunt his Famous
* multiple aedeaguses *
in front of the crowd? We just do not know!!!
Turn up, find out, be AMAZED!
Appearing Alongside Professor Crank will be...
Jigglier than a Pink Pachyderm;
Cuddlier than an Alluring Avian!
Well splak me folks, it's the one and only amazing Miss. Hairy Mandibles (MDip, BNCS, COBB, FLap).
So Don't Miss Out:
Discoverer of Elminster Mire's talking dead!
Adventurer, philanthropist, scholar, doctor, horse waxer, entrepreneur, pharmacologist, gut screamer, &nd theologian!
Prof. I.M. Albertus Crank
Will be appearing for your entertainment
in Cranee, this coming Monterfest!
Next Monterfest Show:
Pantheon of Diseases!
Coming again only to Cranee.
(For bookings, contact the pox office.)
--Sean B. Palmer 10:57, 6 Nov 2004 (EST)
From The Doctor Phineas Crank FAQ:
Q31. What is the cosmic connection between Doctor Phineas Crank and the famous showman Professor I.M.A. Crank?
A31. For Ghyll's sake, get a life!
--John Cowan 10:17, 8 Nov 2004 (EST)