Ignatius Maximillian Albertus Crank

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[The following is a transcript of the only known contemporary mention of Professor Ignatius Maximillian Albertus Crank other than the scraps purported to have been written by him; from an advertisement handed out in a fête programme in roughly -80 EC.]

Roll up, Roll up!

* * *

The stupendousest night of the season comes afoot as
Professor Ignatius Maximillian Albertus Crank
provides intellectual Conceits to the Community, &nd
a Sample of Sundry hair-wares for your "entertainment"!

* * *

Cranee this Monterfest!
Seven nights minus six only!

For a contrivance of your Quezloos:

"Astonishing" Hair Tonic

Never again will your hairy parts be hairyless! Winter is "coming"; don't be caught a fool with your sensitive parts frozen to the surroundings.

Lo! Prof. I.M. Albertus Crank
will demonstrate the mysteries of the quayres as he re-enacts his famous
Potting of the Ten Kettles
being as he is a world class &nd most utterly "excellent" handler of those Stoppers and Steppers.

"Help, for I am trapped in a strange advertisement!"

Will Prof. Crank again Flaunt his Famous
* multiple aedeaguses *
in front of the crowd? We just do not know!!!
Turn up, find out, be AMAZED!

Appearing Alongside Professor Crank will be...

Jigglier than a Pink Pachyderm;
Cuddlier than an Alluring Avian!

Well splak me folks, it's the one and only amazing Miss. Hairy Mandibles (MDip, BNCS, COBB, FLap).

So Don't Miss Out:
Discoverer of Elminster Mire's talking dead!
Adventurer, philanthropist, scholar, doctor, horse waxer, entrepreneur, pharmacologist, gut screamer, &nd theologian!

Prof. I.M. Albertus Crank

Will be appearing for your entertainment
in Cranee, this coming Monterfest!

Next Monterfest Show:
Pantheon of Diseases!
Coming again only to Cranee.
(For bookings, contact the pox office.)

Citations: Fijjit Mejora, Quezlarian Ooo, Splak.

--Sean B. Palmer 10:57, 6 Nov 2004 (EST)

From The Doctor Phineas Crank FAQ:
Q31. What is the cosmic connection between Doctor Phineas Crank and the famous showman Professor I.M.A. Crank?
A31. For Ghyll's sake, get a life!
--John Cowan 10:17, 8 Nov 2004 (EST)

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