Winelust Syrup

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The following is a (supposed) corporate missive (some suspect the Tarkherk Corps of sending these) detailing the virtues of using Winelust Syrup within a vineyard's various wine products. The annotations are not mine unfortunately, but I can't say I agree with 'em (whether that is because the conspiracy is "working" or not, it is not I to fringe):

Winelust Syrup - The Flavor of a New Generation!
(A new generation of mindless zombies!)
Sick and tired of harvesting five-o-clock tea plants? Annoyed at the snooty quality of your Umlaut Tea-drinking customers? Bemused at their lack of spirit, their demure yet patronizing gazes, their constant complaining about an increase of just an Ooo here and there? Friend, let me introduce you to a mere spoonful that helps the angst go down! (Don't listen! A spoonful is not merely mere! Fearly fear! It's the first step to mind control! Addiction! A desire for more! ... . Addiction! Your Umlaut Tea drinkers will never switch to wine! We can detect a spike from a mile away! NEVAR! Winelust Syrup is not the answer!)
Winelust Syrup is the answer! (NoOOoOoOO!) It is, by far, the easiest way to get customers interested in your new cheaper-for-you, expensive-for-them wine products. It's incredibly simple! Once you've received your shipment, launch a "Free Drinks!" campaign and, within one day, yes, just one day, your customers will be hooked on the great new taste! But that's not all! (Of course it's not all! Not only do you have to put up with slurred speech, broken glasses, and inebriated brawling, but you'll be privy to the wonders of tab maintenance! Tell me, would you rather folks who complain about the cost but pay anyways, or folks begging for handouts and running up loans? Winelust Syrup will end up costing you money!)
Your first shipment won't cost you any money! (NoOOoOoOO!) Not only will we send you your first supply of Winelust Syrup absolutely free, we'll also provide advertising materials for your "Free Drinks!" campaign, as well as branded storage units to satisfy your increased demand! You can't go wrong with this offer! Your only obligation is to your customers, and after they taste their Free Drink, they'll shout for more, far more, always more! Give it to 'em! (I've seen the advertising materials and trust me, you don't want them in your fine establishment! They appeal to dirty-minded Ghyllians, who want nothing more than to court! There is no place more evident than the sparkly bubbles on their newest posters: look closely! Don't be a dirty birdy! Say NoOOoOoOO to Winelust Syrup!)

Citations: Five-o-clock tea plant, Tarkherk Corps, Umlaut Tea.

--Morbus Iff 12:10, 1 Apr 2005 (EST)

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