Zed Varren

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Born on the second Xarochsday of Fusil in -75 EC, the same year the Odlucian Library was founded, Zed Varren is most famous for both coining the term Unquisition and putting it into action. A graduate of the University of Havernot, Department of Occult Science, Varren brought much of Ghyll's most obscure knowledge to a single institution in a very short time. So short, in fact, that certain scholars questioned the wisdom of allowing him to lay hands on an early translation of the Grimporke Grimoire. Indeed, until those same scholars mysteriously disappeared one Night of Cloaks and Daggers, it was loudly supposed that it was that very tome which enabled Varren to achieve such great heights in stationary omnilocational research. Varren's acquisitions include a working model of Professor Crank's Interlinear Escape and Vent Shaft, an original Universal Geomantic Compass dating back to the earliest times of the Dulalian Empire, an actual working Professor Crank's Highly Adjustable Animal and Mythical Beast Call, the largest collection of untranslated examples of Alezan Script, and the last known Sympathetic Vibration Harp, which is kept in a sound-proof display case.

Varren is less well known for his own writings, however. He is the semi-anonymous author of Morphomancy for Morons, Demonology Made A Little Too Easy, Divining for Dumkopfs, and You Might Be A Theoalchemist If...

Much of Varren's early life is a mystery which he has done little to dispel. As he is fond of saying, "I collect information, I don't dispense it." Dedicated scholars have, however, managed to piece together a number of interesting tidbits about the enigma that is Zed Varren. For one thing, his toilet training was very carefully planned by his parents, according to the prevailing theories of the day, to make him an organizational genius. Although his parent's names are lost to us, it is known that Johnny Lightning and Jimmy Cashews were his co-Hive-Lords. This has led to speculation that there is some purpose behind his collection of information other than pure scholarship. Varren's parents were known to have consulted a Twitch Doctor before deciding on his name and Varren has been known to receive callers from that same Twitch Doctor's business associates on a regular basis.

There are also numerous rumors about Varren which have not yet been proven true or false. It has been suggested that he is of, at least, partial Pyxie heritage and has one blue eye and one green eye as a result. He has been linked to several very popular gruff fiction periodicals of varying circulation. More than one less-than-reputable source has suggested Varren is the anonymous author of a regular column in Aliens Everywhere. There is at least one scholar at the Iganefta Recorder who is quite convinced Varren is a secret operative of the Bureau of Forgotten Knowledge. And a common recurring rumor at the 'Daver is that Varren is, in fact, an EctoMechanaut. Several biographers have tried to get more solid information about Varren into print, but they have all mysteriously disappeared right before delivering their manuscript to the printers.

Citations: Alezan Script, Twitch Doctor, Unquisition.

--Doctor Phineas Crank 14:59, 20 Apr 2005 (EDT)


I have heard more than once from one of my sources that Zed is actually quite dead. However, this particular source is rarely right, and I quite frankly have other projects at this time. --Theophenes 16:48, 21 Apr 2005 (EDT)

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