An EverQuest Timeline
I decided to devote this column to showing you all what I do in a typical night of EverQuest. When I sit at the computer to play some EQ, I have 3 roommates periodically peering over my shoulder saying, "What the hell do you do in this game!? You just run around and kill things?!" Well boys and girls, read this column and I'll tell you what I do. Pay attention, take notes.
I decided to devote this column to showing you all what I do in a typical night of EverQuest. When I sit at the computer to play some EQ, I have 3 roommates periodically peering over my shoulder saying, "What the hell do you do in this game!? You just run around and kill things?!" Well boys, read this column and I'll tell you what I do. Pay attention, take notes.
Friday 4:15PM - Logging on. I choose my server, Innoruuk, and choose to play my level 51 warrior. Please let it be noted that this is no ordinary warrior. He is a 500 pound troll with equipment to make a newbie droll!
4:17PM - Location: Old Sebilis. Seb is this big dungeon where a lot of high level players go to get experience and cool items. Unfortunately for me, this means most people here are level 55 or higher. Being only 51, I wisely decide to type in /role, which hides my level from other players.
4:18PM - I mentioned I am level 51, right? I mentioned I made it so other people can't see my level, right? Good. I yell, "Level 53 warrior Looking For Group!" for everyone in Sebilis to hear. Sure, this is a little dishonest, but listen. If I say "51 warrior LFG" I will be waiting all day. EverQuest becomes EverSitOnYourButtBecauseNoOneWantsYou. You gotta do whatcha gotta do.
4:20PM -- /AFK
4:25PM - I get a private message from a friendly Wizard I have seen around a couple times. "Come to guard" Finally! A group that wants me! Do I feel bad about them thinking I'm level 53 when I'm really only 51? I should look at this morally. I mean, realistically, I am the backbone of their defenses. The warrior must protect all the other members of the group from being attacked so they can carry out their duties safely. One slip from me and we could all be dead. Nah, honestly, they will never notice the difference and what they don't know, won't hurt them, unless I get mowed over of course.
4:26PM - A guild mate of mine, who happens to be a cleric, takes a crack at me and calls me an "ugly, smelly troll." Please people, can we think of something better then this? I've been hearing "you're ugly" or "put some pants on" or "Ewwww, a troll!" for 51 levels now. Think of something original, spice things up a bit.
"Clerics Sux0r!" I reply. Take that.
4:31PM - I'm wading my way through the people to get to my group. On the way, I realize something quite shocking. Sebilis is a dungeon full of 3 foot tall, walking, talking frogs. These frogs should be terrified. What 22 year old male doesn't have some frog killing experience on his resume? All I need is a BB gun, some bottle rockets and a big stick and I can bring this place to the ground!
4:33PM - A Wizard has invited you to join a group. Click FOLLOW to accept or DISBAND to decline.
Me: Hey guys, 53 warrior here! *cough cough*
Everyone else: Woohoo, a tank, we're all set now!
6:01PM - The group is taking a break so people can use the bathroom, grab a snack, etc. Looking around my room, I notice that it's pretty dirty and that I probably should clean it. Then, a quote from Office Space pops into my head. "It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care." That movie is my bible.
8:30PM - 4 hours of non-stop fighting and just plain goofing off. This group is very powerful and we're kicking the heck out of anything and everything. Froglok wizards, shamans and knights, huge beetle type things called scarabs and Sebilite Golems are on the list of causalities. So far, I'm holding up pretty well. I have 3581 hit points and if I had to guess, I'd say I've taken about 67,000 points of damage so far. Luckily, we have this scruffy looking little dwarf fellow in purple pants who looks really stupid but says he's a cleric. He's keeping me alive so I'm forced to believe what he says is true even though he looks like a miniature Randy Savage, minus the Slim Jim.
8:31PM - The group is breaking up. It's the domino effect. It happens all the time. One person says "I gotta go" and before you know it, everyone has to go. Luckily, in our 4 hours of fighting we got some pretty cool stuff. A Cane of Tranquil, Lamentation and a couple spells. Oh ya, and in that 4 hours I actually managed to Ding to level 52! Woohoo! Of course, I can't share my joy with my group, unless I tell them I am level 54.
9:00PM - 54 warrior LFG! *heh heh*
9:02PM - Being the powerful level 54 warrior that I am, I hastily find another group with 5 othersï¿½one of them being the numbest individual I have ever seen in my life. She's a druid, level 57. She doesn't know what half her spells do. She can't type for beans so no one can understand what she's trying to say. Me, being the guy that's never afraid to say anything, asks the question that is on everyone's mind. "Are you a frickin Ebayer or something?"
Definition: Ebayer -- Noun. 1.) Person who buys their EverQuest character from somebody else via the online auction site, Ebay (or some similar site).
2.) Moron who has no idea how to play their character.
9:05PM - Ok, bear with me here. Druids are pretty much useless in dungeons. Some of their best spells don't work indoors and, although they can both nuke and heal, they don't do either as well as a mage/wizard and cleric, respectively. So, on top of being a worthless Ebayer, we have a worthless, druid Ebayer. What's even scarier is that this druid has a major responsibility in the group, snaring.
9:07PM - You see, if you don't snare monsters they try to run away when they are almost dead. In doing so, they grab about 50 friends and come back. The druid doesn't snare one and it runs away, only to return 30 seconds later with about a dozen friends. We're dead.
9:30PM - Ironically enough, the only person who didn't die was the druid. I have been sitting, naked, waiting for a resurrection for 27 minutes and counting. Normally this is a boring thing, but today, it's not. In the given time, I have issued about 50 back breaking slams on this Ebayer. I'm crying from laughing so hard at what the other members of the group are saying to make fun of her. Suddenly, a private message from the Ebayer!
Ebayer: Are you mad at me?
Me: No, I just think you're stupid.
Ebayer: I did not spend $450 on this character to be criticized and made fun of.
Me: Oh, I think you did.
9:37PM - Got a rez and I'm logging off for the night. My good side came though and I told the Ebayer I wasn't mad. I also suggested she (if it really even is a she) do some research and practice playing for a while. And never, ever admit you're an Ebayer, unless you're good.
I hope I showed you all, especially my roommates, that spending a large block of time playing EverQuest is not a waste. As you can see, I ran around and killed things. If you think my time could have been better spent cleaning the apartment or finding a date, you're probably right. But why do something today when you can put it off until tomorrow?