Quotes From The Dinner Table


Anyone who's played an RPG knows that there's plenty of funny stuff that comes out of the mouths of gamers during the course of the night. While they may never make sense to people who weren't there at the time, some of these quotes are just precious. Share yours here.

Here's my first contribution.

DM: There are three artifacts in a glass case.
Thief: What are they?
Paladin: I detect evil.
DM: The first is a crown made from the skull of some beast, and it's covered in blood and strange dark runes. Evil. The second artifact is a scepter shaped like a black widow spider. Evil. The third artifact is a necklace made of human hair, bloody teeth and the bones of a small child.
Thief: Strangely enough, neutral.

Gnome Barbarian: My dead war pony deserves a proper burial. I cut him into pieces and stuff him in my bag of holding until I can bury him at a later time.
Paladin: Ok, Auren is a little creeped out now.
Gnome Barbarian: Then I rip the jawbone off his skull and wear his head like a helmet.
DM: OK, Abelle (the Lawful Good cleric) is also a little creeped out now.
Gnome Barbarian: This from someone who lusted after a sadistic Duergar murderer?
DM (as Abelle): That was different...

(The party, which includes, among others, a LG Cleric, LG Paladin, and LN Monk, has just cut deals with a LE Drow Priestess of Lloth the Spider Queen and a CE Duergar murderer).
Paladin: May I just say, I'm excited to be a part of this plan.

DM: The guards demand that you hand over all your weapons and magical devices.
Thief/Mage: You wouldn't deprive an old man of his walking staff.
DM (as guard): Nice try, mage. Hand it over.
Thief/Mage: Fine, fine.
DM (as guard): All of it.
Thief/Mage: You wouldn't deprive an old man of his... Cloak of the Arachnid.

DM (rolling): You find... A ring of three wishes...
Thief/Mage: Whoa.
DM (rolling): ...with one wish left on it.
Thief/Mage: Mine. I grab it and put it on.
DM: You realize that Lazarus (the archmage) is going to take that away from you. It's his job to prevent powerful magics from falling into the wrong hands.
Thief/Mage: I wish that Lazarus would just leave us alone.
(moment of silence)
Thief/Mage: Fuck.

Paladin: There's no way we can trust these guys. They're evil.
DM: The Drow Priestess uncaps a bottle of wine. "This is elven oathwine," she says. "We both drink from it, and then make our oath, and we have to abide by it or we die."
Paladin: Sounds good.
(time passes as the party works out a detailed, complex oath...)
DM (as Drow Priestess): "... and I swear that upon completion of their task, I will assist these adventurers in finding the surface, and agree not to harm them in any way." She hands the bottle to Auren.
Paladin: Auren drinks.
DM: Make your oath.
Paladin: I swear that... I am awesome.

Roscoe Chubbywater, undead halfling: You slew me 25,000 years ago, Ahlrid! Now, I have come to take revenge for me and my dark masters.

(Ahlrid casts a telekinesis spell on the undead halfling which takes his body to a height of 100 feet...then drops the halfling, who goes splat against a cobbled road)

Ahlrid: You know, I think he had the wrong guy...it's kinda sad, really

Cleric Are there any rapids?
GM Of course not. In an underground river?
Cleric Um...
GM Wait, did you say rapids or rabbits?
Cleric Rapids.
Gm Well in that case, yes.

BIG hungry red dragon: "In whose name do you travel across my lands?"
Welveren: "Here's where I would normally claim credit, but I think I won't this time..."

Will: "A shower of arrows falls upon you."
Ken: "Shoot."
Joe: "They did."

Joe: "Oooh. Who do I get to be?"
Ken: "Umm, you can be the Great Champion!"
Joe: "What do I get to do?"
Ken; "Uh, die."

Welveren: "Do you have books?"
Librarian: "But of course."
Welveren: "Can people read them?"
Librarian: "But of course."
Welveren: "Is there a charge?"
Librarian: "But of course."

Danarra: "Shorty, do you know anything about hidden doors?"
Shorty: "A bit."
Danarra: "Then come look at this one."
Shorty: "But it's not hidden anymore!"

Will: "Do you have anything that makes you fall in a more humane fashon?"
Eric (scanning his character sheet) "A ring of swimming?... I don't suppose the food carpet flies?"
Will: "No, especially not rolled up."
Eric: "I could hit the ground running..."
Will: "Oh, wait. You might hit the wall..."

Joe: "I have a small plan."
Will: "A small plan?"
Joe: "Usually my big plans get me in trouble, so I'm hoping a small plan won't."

Chris: "I put on the amulet."
Will: "Your mind becomes clear..."
Shade: "All your spells are gone!"

Chris: "I summon an Earth elemental.."
Will: "It appears."
Chris: "Does it kill me?"
Will: "Not instantly."

Eric: (after Chris' character slept with the necromancer) "Does that make you a necrophile?"
Chris: "I didn't do it with her dog!"

"How about things that make vast quantities of fire?" -Benjamin
"It's called 'wood'." -Adelaide

DM: The portcullis is down.
Player: I go through it.
DM: The portcullis is DOWN.
Player: I go through it.
DM: Its down!
Player: Oh.

A party ambushed by hill giants in a shallow but wide gully:

GM "O.k., the hill giant throws a spear and hits your donkey in the flank. It's a pretty good gash, about a foot long and two or three inches wide. It bleeds profusely."

1st Player "I jump off, whoop out my bow and arrows and pop some caps in his ass!" (rolls a couple of hits)

2nd player "I hop on his donkey and ride it straight up the side of the gully."

GM "A hill giant comes over the crest on the hill. He has a large spear in his hand, cocked back and ready to throw and he's maybe sixty yards away."

2nd player "I hug the donkey and make myself as small as possible and kick it to go faster."

GM "The Giant throws the spear... and hits the donkey in the chest. The donkey is skewered."

1st player "Dude, you just rode my bleeding ass to death!"

2nd Player "Don't worry. If we beat these guys we can cook it and eat it for dinner."

1st player "You wanna eat my ass for dinner?"

2nd Player "NO!"

1st Player "You sure? I've got a pretty tasty ass..." (starts to pull down pants.)

2nd Player "No dude, I'm sure."

1st player "I'm hurt, I thought you liked sweet things..."

GM: As you enter the kitchen of the old mansion, you find an old wood stove.

White Mage: Wouldn't that be dangerous? It'd light itself on fire.

GM: ...as in it uses wood for fuel.

White Mage: Oh.

One game at Origins, the party encounters a giant in the midst of the forest through which we were traveling. During the combat, the mage hits the giant with a Polymorph Other spell, changing the giant into a large, blue whale. The giant fails his save, and is polymorphed. The whale falls flat, impaling itself on several trees, taking much damage. To make matters more entertaining, the giant also failed the sanity check, so now the whale actually thinks it's a whale.

So we have this large, blue whale, thrashing about in the forest, having already been impaled on several trees. Since it is out of water, it is rapidly crushing itself to death due to its inability to support its own weight.

The party decided to leave the whale to it's inevitable fate... but as we departed, the mage cast invisibility on it.

"Man, that is gonna really stink once it begins to rot."

Just an example of some of the fun that can be had at a con.

In a Dr. Who game...

Player 1: What's in the room?

GM: Gardening Tools and an axe.

Player 1: An axe?

GM: Yeah, a space axe.

Player 1: What's a space axe?

GM: Well, it has a light on it that let's you know it's on.

A cleric in a game I once participated in was attempting to convert some half-orc bodyguards or the like to his religion. Somewhere in the conversation, in an extremely serious voice, he uttered the following:

Cleric: Soon, my gods will bow down before you!

It took him a bit to realize what he had said.

We were playing Shadowrun. My character, an undercover cop/terrorist, was possessed by a mage for over an hour of playing time. None of the other players knew that I was possessed even though everything was done right out in the open (GM did not take me off to the side). The GM sat at one end of the room and I was opposite. Everytime the players asked me something, I'd look at him and he'd nod or shake his head or something. Then I'd make up an answer.

I decided to mess with the party a bit and offered up the location of a "safehouse" that the party could hole up in. Nobody knew anything was wrong until my character passed out on the couch of the house that we went to. When he woke up, the last thing that he remembered was being in combat!

When the other players figured out what had happened, they were pissed. We barely got out of that house alive...

"When the GM smiles, it's already too late."

Just had this happen tonight in a chatroom game of D&D:

Arac: Fair enough, let us saddle up the cleric and ride out for the cave mouth, then.
Dfaran: Er, is this a horse-cleric?
Arac: whoops, left out a sentance.
Arac: Let us saddle up the horses, collect the cleric, and ride out for the gave mouth then.
Dfaran: One more try, Arac. XD
Arac: I'll never get it right!

This is a bit of a long story. Ah well. So, we're playing D&D and attempting to introduce some new players. I roll up a thief, the three other experienced players roll a two warriors and a mage, and our two new players roll up a cleric and a bard. Away we go, hacking through our dungeon, and this bard decides he wants to be obnoxious by singly loudly as we explore. Our other newbie, the cleric, is walking behind him in line and decies that he is sick of the not-so-pleasant music. In frustration, he throw's his torch into the bard's quiver of arrows, of course lighting it on fire. The bard promptly stops, drops, and rolls, putting the fire out amid much laughter among the rest of us.
We open a door and hear a large explosion. "Oh, excuse me," the engineering halfling said, "I thought you were that nasty minotaur". This halfling had discovered a basic explosive agent and invented many other nifty things, including a cannon and small explosive pellets. In exchange for some of his "fire powder", we agree to kill the minotaur for him.
We end up in the minotaur's layer, and attack. I, being a thief, decide to sneak around back and kidney-shot the monster. While the rest are fighting, I do just that. I end up behind the minotaur, and a giant spider lands on my head. Thinking quickly, I make an amazing DEX roll and throw the poisonous spider on to the minotaur's back, pitting our enemies against one another. Combat continues. I decide putting my garrote to use would be an effective tactic. After making another amazing roll, I successfully manage to get the garrote over the 'taur's horns and around his neck.
Then I realize that I was giving a hug to the giant spider that I had just so deftly rid myself of. I managed to escape death, but only by withdrawing from combat. We killed the monsters after several more rounds, however, our bard had been killed. Meh, no major loss. We turn to head back to the halfling's hideout, when cleric (of all characters) asks if he can decapitate the minotaur corpse and mount the head on his mace. Our DM reluctantly agrees.
At our return to the halfling, we lost every ounce of role-play. The cleric decided that he wanted to kill the halfling for fun, and I (the thief, no less) tried to stop him. With the aide of our warriors, we tackled him and I tied his legs together. Now the halfling is suspicious of all of us, and while we are busy trying to regain the NPC's trust, the cleric wriggles toward the halfling's cannon.
Then, in a strange twist of fate, one of the warriors that had helped me subdue the cleric decided to join his cause. He sliced the ropes binding his legs, and immediately headed toward the terrified hobbit. After that, our mage turned on us too. The other warrior and I valiantly tried to defend the halfling, while the hobbit himself was chucking exposives at all of us. The mage is nailed by a pellet, and killed. Then, the real danger appeared.
The cleric had reached the cannon. He fired it at me, but failed his roll so terribly that he hit his ally warrior in the back. The warrior was wounded from the minotaur battle, and was killed.
Finally, the halfling determined that the cleric was the source of the problem, and threw a pellet in his direction. He missed, but the pellet landed in one of the many barrels of gunpowder sitting next to the cannon. The ensuing blast killed us all.

"Every society needs a cry like that, but only in a very few do they come out with the complete, unvarnished version, which is "Remember-The-Atrocity-Committed-Against-Us-Last-Time-That-Will-Excuse-The-Atrocity-That-We're-About-To-Commit-Today! And So On!"
-Terry Pratchett, in his novel "Thief of Time"

The group have just entered a maze of tunnels. They are almost certainly trapped...

Rogue: I move silently along the passage carefully searching for traps.
GM: You move very quietly and find nothing in the first part of the tunnel.
Rogue: Creeping as quietly as I can I continue along the passage.
GM: You find a scythe trap, but it has been triggered before and looks inactive now. It is stained slightly with what appears to be blood.
Rogue:(Calling back down the tunnel) There's blood on it!
GM:(imitating a loud echo) blood on it!... blood on it... blood on it...

Luckily, there was no secondary trap triggered by sound!

Here's my other favourite:

The group are trying to get inside a mine that has been sealed by order of the town mayor. It is surrounded by a wall and the gates are guarded.

Cleric: We need some sort of distraction, so we can sneak in while the guards are kept busy. Any suggestions?
Hexblade: If we started a fire in the miners pub...
Cleric: No. Any sensible suggestions?
Rogue: You could raise the dead.
Cleric looks dumbfoundedly at the Rogue.
Rogue: What? I'd be distracted by that.

Amazingly this was followed by our attempt to get over the ten foot wall which ended with a plan that involved our Cleric feather-falling from the cliff above the mine into the compound, the Hexblade using Spider Climb to climb down the sheer rock, and the Cleric summoning a Hippogriff for the rest of the group to fly down on.

at a game we started this weekend my friend brought his brother and sister to the game he was babysitting and they wanted to see what D&D was like so we started a new champain. this is a very large group we expected our normal 5-6 people we ended up with 10. that kind of blew my begining out of the water because i expected only 5 people the extra 5 completly screwed up my story arc. but durring the intr for every ones charecters ( all some how orfins, kind of weared) my frend declares he is a wizard who is hunting the murders of his family, his sister is an elf who's town was destroyed by a dragon and she is hunting it down then we get to Jack the younges player he is only about 12 years old but a very smart a quick kid he says My name is Huggy Bear im an orc warrior who ate his parents shortly after birth and contenued to feast oppon the rest of my village untile i grew strong with there souls inside me and i search for more of my kind to devour and increase my strength so that i may become the most powerful orc of all time!!! HaHaHah!!! but the thing that got me was the fact that he jumped up on his chair and went through this whole thing in front of a group of complete strangers who are all like twice his size and all good friends.

For his great show of inventiveness i gave his guy a plus 2 bonus to his str ability and said for every 20 orc hearts you eat ill give you another bonus. he found a way to do it by the end of the night by himself. hes a dam good orc. ;P

I hate to do this, but please try using a minimum of grammer and spelling in your post. I do not have the motivation to decipher grammatic cesspools like this. At least read it over once before you send it off.

I don't care about the occasional misspelled word or typo, but this is inexcusable. You are posting in a literary forum! Please act like it!

Thank you.

Yo, Calamar:

I hate to do this, but please try using a minimum of grammer and spelling in your post.
Don't ya mean grammar, hoss?

This is grammer.

This is grammar.


Sorry, couldn't resist.

Ya, ya... I get something like this every time that I complain about someone else's lack of grammar and spelling. Without fail, I have made a mistake somewhere in my post and someone jumps on it.

I do have to say, Cocytus, that you appraoched it with much more humor than I am used to. ;-)

The point remains however, that I wrote that post in response to a post which was nearly incomprehensible. I had one messed up word.

It's like comparing a person who is five pounds overweight to someone who is morbidly obese and can't walk across a street without getting winded and saying that they are the same. It's not true.

I take a lot of time to write my articles and my somewhat longwinded posts and I'm proud of my writing. I know that most the rest of you are the same. It's insulting to have someone come along and write something without even bothering to use the basic spelling and grammar of the language.

Another way to look at it, especially in a roleplaying forum like this is: Hobojoe is the GM. That means that he can read and comprehend what he is reading well enough to understand and teach D&D to his friends and family. This proves that he is literate.

His post was the illiterate ramblings of an elementary school child.

Why bother posting when you cannot rouse yourself enough to be literate? Go back to your apathetic life. Writing is too much of an effort for you, and trying to read your stuff is too much of an effort for me.

Thank you.

Hey my ramblings die long before they even get to the street.

One of my buddies who I have been gaming with for nearly twenty years couldn't write a proper sentence to save his life. I don't think he knows what a period is for; Commas are used to confuse and baffle; and he capitalizes less than ee cummings. He has good ideas, but his writing doesn't do a good job at pointing to them.
Writing poorly makes it hard for the reader to understand your point. It is something that people need to practice. Truthfully, spelling and grammar aren't my strong suits either. I think of how I want my idea to sound and try to make it work on the page. I don't mind being corrected, because usually it means that someone is taking the time to listen to what I have to say.
I've had my fair share of students whose first language was not English, or who had Asberger's Syndrome, ADHD, dyslexia, et al. Sometimes buried between the language gap are some great ideas. For my part I will try to decipher anything. Calamar, I respect what you are saying -- you don't want to spend the time decoding posts on this board. You have jumped to an unfair conclusion that someone who is writing poorly is merely being lazy. If your posts were full of errors that would be laziness and you are tranferring that assumption onto others. Please don't discourage others from posting because I would like the opportunity to read what they have to say.
I would like to encourage people to post, but understand where Calamar is coming from. One of the reasons that I read the posts on Gamegrene and post responses is because I find that the ideas and comments are excellent. I try to make sure that I think through my responses carefully and edit them for style and correctness. I think that is all we can ask -- agreed?

Calamar -- how about re-wording your request to hobojoe:

Thanks for the input hobojoe. It sounds like you all had some fun with that episode. I have to admit that I found it hard to follow in some places. Can you take more care in the future to edit for ... give one specific example of grammer/spelling error. :)

Alright Gil, that bad was mine. I take full responsibility for the bad that just occured. That was my bad and will not happen again. I will strive to be more patient and understanding with those who cannot or will not write well.

(swallows pride... gets it caught in his throat, spits it out and starts over again, humbly)

Thanks for the input hobojoe. It sounds like you all had some fun with that episode. I have to admit that I found it hard to follow in some places. Can you take more care in the future to edit for ...

"but durring the intr for every ones charecters ( all some how orfins, kind of weared) my frend declares he is a wizard who is hunting the murders of his family, his sister is an elf who's town was destroyed by a dragon and she is hunting it down then we get to Jack the younges player he is only about 12 years old but a very smart a quick kid he says My name is Huggy Bear im an orc warrior who ate his parents shortly after birth and contenued to feast oppon the rest of my village untile i grew strong with there souls inside me and i search for more of my kind to devour and increase my strength so that i may become the most powerful orc of all time!!! "

...Capitalizing the beginning of a sentence and putting a period or some other form of marker at the end of the sentence so that we can follow what you have written easier.

Thank you.

"It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others."

To quote from the one true Shaft, Richard Roundtree:

"You've got to step off a little, you're too hot!"

Though you DO have a valid point about the falling standards in grammar and spelling.

Perhaps hobojoe should get the Google toolbar with the in-built spelling checker, I find it handy when I'm short on time and want to make sure my post is pretty tidy.

I didn't know Google Toolbar had a spelling checker...oh, wait mine probabaly doesn't because it's in hebrew.

Knowing Google, it probably records everything you write as well, and analyses it to determine your marketing profile so that they can feed you customised advertising....

{/tinfoil hat off}

You know, there *is* a spellchecking module for the next version of the backend that Gamegrene uses - however, without custom dictionaries, I fear it'd be a little annoying for our gaming lexicon.

Maybe we should use code words, then. It will have two advantages: All the RP-related words will not be marked as errors AND the ignorant folk will never be able to understand us....muhahaha!

I suggest "purple" for THAC0 and "jellies" for NPCs, for a start.

Genisis Mongrell-(11th level cleric speaking to the dwarven people of Wet Rock moments before the great war of Crackenseed at the end of DW2): "The time of war is upon us. Blood shall flood the lands upto the tallest man's neck.

Sthal Heveyhand (PC Human warrior in the crowd loud enough for all to hear)- Looks like the dwarvs are gunna learn to finally swim!!!