Dungeons and Dragons Movie Trailer Review


I took the time to download the Dungeons and Dragons movie trailer today. I should have just spent the extra 5 minutes in bed. In case you don't have DSL or a cable modem, I'll take the time here to walk you through the trailer, scene by scene, line by line. You may need an airsickness bag.

I have two words for you.

Oh. my. god.

This has got to be the worst trailer I've ever seen. If this is what they're going to be showing in theatres in December, then the genre is doomed. Pick any fantasy film from the 1980s (with the exception of maybe Hawk the Slayer) and you've got a better movie than this looks to be.

Let's go step-by-step and see what we have here.

1. PG-13. OK, so we can expect some violence, maybe a bit of language. Probably no sex. Which, of course, is bogus. Every D&D campaign I was ever in involved the barmaid ending up in our room at the end of the night. And let's not discuss the captive elf maidens.

2. Bad smoke effects. This does not bode well.

3. Unnecessary, non-scary shot of a red demon statue. I have no idea what this is doing here.

4. Pan over a nice looking bridge. Shot on location. Nice sets. Pretty to look at. Looks a lot like the castles in The Phantom Menace.

5. Confusing swirly dragon globe thing. Dragon orb, we realize, after seeing it a second time. Got it.

6. Dark, imposing castle.

7. Close-up of dragon face. Totally non-scary and unimpressive. This was done better in Dragonheart, several years ago. You'd think they could at least have bought a Pentium II to do the CGI on.

8. V/O. "In a far away world..." Nice shots of castles on top of spires. But far away world? Like, Mars? Note that it's just "far away", not "far, far away."

9. Empress speaks. "All people deserve to be free and equal..." She is so amazingly whiny and pouty, worse even than Luke Skywalker with his infamous "But I was going to Tashi station to pick up some POWER converters..." No Emmy for her. She's obviously a rip-off of Princess Amidala.

10. Profion speaks. "The child is not fit to govern an empire." Profion is like a stereotype of every bad guy you've ever seen rolled into one, with a heavy dose of Emperor Palpatine. Also, he doesn't move his lips when he talks. This is frightening. Profion is played by Jeremy Irons. Which adds a whole new level to his relationship with the evidently 14-year old nymphette Empress.

11. Shot of several evil things. First, some sort of goblin or orc, not bad looking. Profion looking evil. Then some guy with blue lips and red ears. What is up with that? Is he dead? Is he a clown? Is he Al Gore?

12. Blue-lips speaks. "You can control dragons..." Shot of dragon foot. Because obviously we need to establish what a dragon is for the trailer.

13. Profion speaks. "With the dragon army at my command, I can crush the empress." Can we get any more cliche here? Moving on...

14. Several shots of bad guys playing with a wand, the empress in golden armor.

15. Smarmy thief speaks to elf friend. "This has gotta be some twisted magic experiment gone seriously wrong." Right on, dude. Groovy.

16. Shot of pretty castle.

17. Whiny empress speaks. "What can I do to stop Profion?" She has big, pouty lips. This movie is about lips, I think. No lips, blue lips, pouty lips, two lips. Is this Dr. Seuss? Or does this involve Jeremy Irons again?

18. Wise bearded advisor speaks. "If you could obtain the Rod of Savril, you could control red dragons." Demonic little imp looks on.

19. Shot of the Rod of Savril. Looks like one of those Klingon things, or maybe a leftover prop from Legend.

20. Painting of red dragons. The painting looks better than the actual CGI dragons.

21. Elf speaks. "I suggest we lay low, let the whole thing blow over, come back, rob everybody." Reaction shots from dwarf and princess. Dwarf mysteriously has no lines. Apparently they realize he was a mistake. He looks it.

22. Smarmy thief speaks. "There's one small problem"

23. Elf speaks. "Problem?"

24. Smarmy thief speaks. "I kinda committed us to find it." Amazing dialogue, let me tell you. This scriptwriter should win an award. Woo.

25. Several shots of dragons, some sort of nuclear detonation as the Death Star blows up or something.

26. Profion speaks. "Let their bloooooooood, raiiiiiiiin upon our skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies!" Except more vowels. And his lips don't move.

27. Words: Just when you think you're safe

28. Smarmy thief speaks. "Trust me." Cut to smarmy thief attacking heavily armed guard with a blue glowing sword. Always a bad sign. Blue, glowing swords. Almost like sabers made of light.

29. Elf, distraught, speaks. "I hate when you say dat." Yes, he says "dat". And he's black. We won't get into that.

30. Elf gets sucked into carpet. Elf screams. Silly elf.

31. Words: You're in more danger

32. Smarmy thief speaks. "Don't touch that." Elf touches it, of course. Thief polymorphs into gold dragon. Hahahahahaa. Erk.

33. Princess sucked into map. There's a lot of sucking going on. And lips. Did I mention lips?

34. Blue lips guy speaks. "Kill them. Slowly."

35. Obi-Wan Kenobi speaks. "Nooooooooooooo!"

36. Thief falls from tower. So there's hope.

37. Words: Just when you think you've figured it out

38. Thief master speaks. "You finish the maze, you win the prize." Blades swinging, fire shooting out as thief runs maze. Unfortunately, he lives.

39. Words: Everything changes

40. Blue lips speaks. "You'll have to do better than that."

41. Alyssa Milano throws a lightning ball at Blue Lips.

42. Words: Just when all seems lost

43. Female elf speaks to dwarf. "They must complete this task alone." Woo. Action packed.

44. Elf pulls glowing magic faerie dust from a bag.

45. Female elf is revealed to be a ranger when male elf says "You know, I love the way you track." Did I mention the stellar dialogue?

46. Another bad sword fight. Smarmy thief gets his butt kicked by Blue lips.

47. Words: You find your way

48. Smarmy thief speaks to elf. "I'll get Morena, you get the map."

49. Cut to kiss. Awww. No, not the elf and the thief. Anakin and Amidala. I mean, the thief and the empress.

50. Elf responds, in the only truly funny line in the entire trailer, "How come you get the girl and I get a map? We gotta work out some new plans."

51. Words: And just when you think you know the rules

52. Blue lips. "I want them found"

53. Series of quick shots, including a beholder, some badly-equipped guards, some dragons flying over the city.

54. Profion speaks without moving his lips. "Do you really think you can steal my destiny?" He's in a showdown on top of the tower with the young thief. There are glowing wands and swords. The city is so high up, it could be a city in the clouds, a veritable Cloud City. All we need is the token black guy to be Lando and we've got a movie here.

55. Words: You realize

56. Thief speaks to elf. "Be careful"

57. Token black guy speaks to thief. "You too. Heh!"

58. Word: This

59. Shot of a bunch of wizards firing fireballs at dragons, and missing. Um,these are red dragons guys. RED. They breathe FIRE. Fire, immune to. La.

60. Word: Is

61. Shot of gold dragon flying, poor CGI. Poor, poor CGI.

62. Shot of thief attacking Profion, glowing sabers of light again.

63. Word: Not

64. Series of semi-cool shots. Dragons battle overhead, ceilings collapse, Profion throws up a wall of ice to stop a dragon fireball. Too bad it all lasts like 3 seconds.

65. Words: A good movie

66. Series of shots. Dragon dives; fire destroys a wall; Connor McLeod and The Kurgan battle it out for the prize, because there can be only one; Profion gives the princess menstrual cramps; Dragons battle; Blue Lips has some things come out of his ears; and then...

67. The most awful bluescreen I have ever seen as the princess is chased by Profion on dragonback. Awful awful awful. Awful.

68. Profion speaks. "Now it's your time, to die." This guy should be a ventriloquist, the way he keeps his lips totally still the whole time.

69. Dragons breathe fire.

70. Show title. Big boomy V/O announces "Dungeons and Dragons."

71. Scary voice speaks as a door opens. "You want to play, do you?"

72. Show cast and credits.

73. Evil laughter.

74. Gold dragon roars

75. Reveal that it's out on December 8th.

Gah. The worst part is you probably need to see it for yourself to understand how truly awful this is going to be. If you feel you must check it out, zoom on by http://www.seednd.com. but don't say I didn't warn you.

How more cliche can you get, oh this movie is gonna BLOW!!!

This is like the opposite of what The Phantom Menace was. The trailer looked really good but the movie blew. Now the trailer looks bad but maybe the movie will be good, who knows. Probably not tho.

I encourage everyone to check the trailer themselves. It's not nearly as bad as aeon makes it out to me. aeon also misidentified parts of the trailer. It looked pretty good to me. Not the next Conan, but it looks fun.

The CGI... Good lord, the CGI is so horrid it makes my eyes bleed.

Have movie effects people learned nothing from the Wing Commander movie?

http://www.conhugeco.org/goatse.cx has more appealing visuals than the trailer.

Yea, my very first impression on seeing this trailer was that it looked terribly dull. The dialogue does seem to be extremely weak, nothing like what I would have imagined appropriate.

The effects are certainly lacking giving the level the bar is at these days. I also had in the back of my mind SW: TPM the entire time I watched it.

All in all, disappointing. I think I will wait until it comes to video.

For a film to rightfully salivate over, goto http://www.lordoftherings.com.

Marlon Wayans playing the stereotypical black comic relief... Is his character's name "Superfly" or "Shaft"?

Someone tell me again: how long must we wait for LoTR?

Um to Aeon's comment that Jeremy Iron's lips don't move while he talks. They move perfectly fine on my computer, maybe his is just slow or choppy or something.

I was exaggerating. I do that. Yes, his lips move. Sort of. But the way he inflects his words, it sounds as if he was intentionally trying to hold his lips together to sound more sinister. He winds up just sounding like a fool.

Yet another reason to give up D&D

Yeah, this won't be an award winner or anything. But if anything, it might just be fun. For example, X-Men was a pretty fun movie--but it was not 'good' by most people's standards.

Still...the whole time I was watching this trailer I kept thinking "Whoa...this is like, The Goonies with CGI."

*** WHAT ?!?! ***

Better than "Hawk the Slayer"?

Never! HtS is a genuine classic! Why, only the original Beastmaster (not the crappy sequel) is nearly as good!

I never really expected anything great of a D&D movie, why did they have to screw it up *this* badly?

I just hope that they didn't make the same mistake with Lord of The Rings.

In fact, the only reason I'd ever go to see the D&D movie is if they were showing the new LoTR trailer. And I'd leave after the trailer.

Why do they spoil all the movies you've been waiting for? I hope Peter Jackson is doing better with THe Lord of the Rings, or I'll start a mailbombing campaign in Hollywood. Or maybe I should start mailbombing campaign in USA because that's the target audience for Hollywood. Shame on you Americans, shame.

Why can't anyone ever make a good movie dragon? There really hasn't been a really good one yet; you know awe-inspiring and majestic

What's that thing on Wayan's head? Why is there a Wayans in this movie?

This trailer looked like a demo for a bad video game. I was thinking that "these graphics aren't too bad...maybe they just sacrificed a few things to allow people to play online..."

Of course, unfortunately, it's a movie.

Hollywood writers should probably just not write any movies at all, much less fantasy movies. They are bad enough at writing non-fantasy movies. . . leave our genre alone!!!

Why couldn't they have just set this movie in some existing DnD world? Why did they have to create some sucky new world to set this movie in? They probably just needed some sucky new setting for their sucky movie.

Good or bad we ALL know that we're ALL going to see it so let's just wait and see what comes of it?

Because if they set the sucky movie in a sucky new world, they can produce sucky new supplements to sell to sucky new D&D players. I won't go so far as to accuse 3eDnD of being sucky; it's mostly solid (albeit for some sucky art and a few confusing bits), but one has to wonder about the new players that stuff like this movie will attract.

Give me the old school D&D cartoon any day - at least it was funnier and had better dialogue than this movie appears to have.

Ahh. . . the old school cartoon. That was a great show. Too bad they don't make them like that anymore. . .

i hope the casting director is eaten by a grue.

i wonder if gygax has seen this trailer.

You mean get crappy ratings? I'm sure that the D&D movie qualifies. In fact, the only thing that the cartoon has over the movie is that the movie can't get cancelled.

Good or bad, I'll survive this movie, and probably enjoy it. Why?

I survived Battlefield Earth. It CAN'T be nearly that bad. It's got armies of dragons. Poor CGI they may be, but they definitely beat John Travolta with dreadloks and platform boots.

Ye gods, the plot sounds like a DM's first campaign! "You survive the maze, you win the prize"? Did the writers just look at the name -- Dungeons and Dragons -- and think, hey, let's put in some dungeons, and some dragons! That'll be a GREAT movie! They should've gotten some really good DMs to write the plot, who'd actually be conversant with the subject..

Jeremy Irons is probably the ONLY good thing about this movie.. the CGI in the beginning reminds me of the intro of a PSX game. It's very nice, but remember how in Phantom Menace you couldn't even tell it WAS CGI?

And Aeon's right, Jeremy "Palpatine" Irons IS controlling the red dragons. So why are the casting fireballs?

I'd assume the fireball-casting wizards are mounting the last line of defense for the empire against the dragon horde. But that still doesn't explain why a bunch of WIZARDS don't know fire won't hurt a dragon.

Must be a lot of high INT, low WIS wizards. Or maybe it's just some low INT, low WIS moviemakers.

This movie will be a success for D&D for the same reason the cartoons were a success.

The kids in my grade 6 class will love it.

Remember when you watched the D&D cartoon as a kid? You thought it was great. Now you look back and say, "man is that animation cheesy. And how did they suddenly become, like, 10th level adventurers with magic weapons?' etc. But when you're a kid, it dazzled you.

This movie will do the same to today's kids, and maybe we'll recruit some into the fold.

And maybe, just maybe, despite the old school AD&D whiners and complainers, our beloved game will survive because of it.

There's a pretty damning review that says much the same thing over on AICN.

Hey I've got nothing against D&D players, but personally I find the game kind of outdated and pointless...but that's my opinion. If you want the opinion of a non-player who is pretty much nuetral to the game: I think the movie looks like the worst thing since "Suddenly Susan".

Look this movie might not have great graphics. But how can you tell ALL of the dialogue in the movie is going to suck just by watching a 2 minute preview? that's like saying all roleplayers are satanists just cause they are damnit. That's not right... besides this movie is gonna be big for one reason... No matter how bad the graphics are, or how week and trite the story is, long term players, new gamers. and people who have given up on roleplaying altogether will watch this movie and be amazed. Not because of the movie itself but because we will remember the adventures we shared. The beholders we slaughtered, and the nations we saved. We will remember all of these and be happy. What is it that Dnd has taught me for these 13 long and content years? It taught me that if you just use your imagination you can turn a small dragon miniature into a gargantuan dragon that breathes fire. So please stop flaming the freeking trailer because or your lack of a good imagination.

Until we next meet, good journey.

The reason trailers matter is because the execs typically put the BEST MATERIAL in the trailer to attract an audience. And if the material in the D&D trailer is the best that movie has to offer, then I'm scared.

They don't put the best material in the trailers, they put what will attract the biggest audience. No one knows if this movie will be good or not, and since when was Snails an elf?

aeon...you ass. Best Material? How do you know this, were you a movie exec? They put in what THEY believe will attract a TARGET audience. They frequently f up. They also have differing opinions than you. Have you seen the internet only trailer of DnD? It was cut by the director and is so much better. Plus, some of the trailer still had unfinished CGI in it. Do your research you little prick. And then why don't you go make a 35+million dollar movie with no studio support.

Yes, this is an independent film (Studio signed on after completion) and has a first time director.

Yikes! Take a valium dude. :>

I've seen every available trailer of this film, including the ones running in theatres and on television, and i've been unimpressed by all of them. Bad bluescreen effects, bad dialogue, Mr. Irons looks like he got punched in the lip, the dragons look like pre-Gumby claymation, and on and on.

"Now is your time to die." I mean, come on.

As for Snails being an elf, whether or not he truly is, those big flappy ears on his hat make him an elf in my book. Because everyone knows elves have big pointy ears.

Dear god i felt so sick after watching the movie. My 12 year old brother could write a better script. I mean i figured the CGI wouldnt be great, and it wasn't but i was kinda hoping that the acting would at least make it up. I was so wrong. I felt lucky for snails at least he got out of it.

Saw this movie on the 12th. this movie is complete trash... i walked out of the theatre with a friend saying "gee, i liked the part with queen amidala, and luke fighting the emporer..." how could this movie have been any worse? i dont know why they would wait 30 years to make a live action film of a game that has such a following and then produce this.

bad bad bad. if you see this movie, and enjoy it, shame on you.

the trailers all sucked, the movie sucked, it was a lot like star wars, but the free refills on pop and popcorn was cool. Movie sux, no, it lix.

Haven't seen the trailer, haven't seen the movie, but I will tell you one thing, don't lose faith, Lord of the Rings is coming. If it weren't I fear, from the extensive reviews by amateurs and pro's alike, that this film would have killed our genre for a long long time. Sword and Sorcery, Sci-Fi, whatever you like to call it, could be done so well, especially now that technology has caught up with our imaginations. The incredible profits Lord of the Rings will wipe this film from the money hungry memories of Hollywood execs, and the genre will be reborn with a new hope. Even with that said, I will probably see it just because it is a Fantasy film.

truly sucks. the real question is: is this the worst movie ever? considering its budget which I heared is some 36M

Personally I liked the film. All I had to do was just shut the cynical parts (around 90%) of my brain down.

Don't think I'm saying that it's a good film. I'm just saying that I really enjoyed it. So did my inner child

The Trailer was better than the movie.

And now i need to read the book to work out what the hell happened at the end.

i thought it was crap but not the worst movie ever.

anyone here seen the avengers?

I saw this movie on the first day that it came out. It's been a long time since I felt like I wasted my money at the movies, but this was definitely one of those times. I hardly noticed the effects, apart from the plastic red-dragon rod and the guy with the blue lipstick -what the HELL was up with that?!- what bothered me was the acting and the script. Irons was beyond bad- he chewed the scenery so much that I was surprised there weren't holes in the backdrop. I heard a member of my audience say, "If we only had some Swiss to go with all that ham."

The dialogue was cringeable; cliched, hackneyed crap. Not to mention some of it was anachronistic. Someone should've told the screenwriter that to be 'out of one's league' is a term derived from BASEBALL. There aren't too many professional sports in a vaguely medieval setting...

Hollywood once again demonstrated its unwritten rule of never allowing a black male character to be unchaperoned with a white female. If, in the interest of advancing the plot, one of the thieves had to die, why did it have to be Snails? The movie would have been much more interesting if the other guy had died and Snails had to overcome his natural cowardice to save the realm. What a concept - character development and possibly a stronger storyline! (Remember Bilbo Baggins?) Alas, it was not to be...

I've found that these are better D&D movies than Dungeons & Dragons in content and spirit, if not budget:


Conan the Barbarian

Conan the Destroyer


The Beastmaster (even if the eagle carrying off the kid is ridiculous.)



Jason and the Argonauts (An oldie but a goodie)

Clash of the Titans

Golden Voyage of Sinbad (Featuring a much younger Tom Baker as the villain)

Army of Darkness (Cheap, but fun.)

The Mummy (The weapons may be modern, but it's basically a dungeon-crawl!)

And in my opinion, many episodes of Xena, Warrior Princess.

Dungeons & Dragons sucked like a black hole. Let's pray Lord of the Rings doesn't meet a similarly ignominious fate.

(Tucks soapbox under arm, slowly walks off stage left....)

This evening I went to see the dungeons and dragons movie (in holland) with a couple of friends with whom I have been playing role-playing games for over 16 years now. We found the movie to be quite insulting and it made us wonder who, in his right mind would dare to create such an abomination. I am very sorry but the only positive moment of the movie was when this snail character died and even that scene was terrible.

I beleive this movie is made so fans can only enjoy the LOTR movie no matter what happens.

You know a movie is in trouble when the audience is sad a Wayans brother died.

Personally my friends and I watched the movie like we would a comedy. After the first five minutes we thought "Hey, this sounds like a novice DMs first game session!" In fact, we expected the ending to be the director sitting with the actors and everyone yelling "Yay, good game!"

I can't really forgive some of it's failings but its still good enough to make me willing to sit through it with my wiseass friends and make like its Mystery Science Theatre 3000

Do you like Xena or Hercules series? Then you will love D&D film, because fight scenes are exactly the same.

What a waste of celulose!

And, in fact, the bad guys seem to be taken from Power Rangers. Yes, I think the director could have dressed better all film's people.

None of you is obviously a true conosuier (don't ask me to spell it) of bad movies. I and all of my friends enjoyed the DnD movie. A Lot. Given the current trend to formulaic crap in movies today, it was just as good as any other movie with bad actors. You are just upset because your expectations were too high. I actually cheered when Snails died (In truth the only more annoying characters in recent memory are Jar Jar and Anakin)... that alone made it worth my time and money.

Also, I thought the dwarf was really cool. He had the best lines (not many, but man were they funny.) He even looked like a dwarf should look. (hey, they are dour, lacking good people skills and dig all day long...should they be clean and possessed of good manners? I think not.) And to close this out, the new D&D 3E almost makes me want to get back in the game, but I can't stand being defined by my level... oh well

i've had enough of your COMPLAINTS (they don't sound like opinions at ALL) !!! first of all, DON'T COMPARE D&D TO LoTR! but i have to admit, the brains behind the LoTR movie are quite remarkable! why? the movie will be a big money-maker since they butchered the movie in 3 parts. they will make you salivate first before you could experience the whole story!

now, let's get down to business. we'll see to this detail by detail mr. aeon:

- young empresses (or any member of any royal
family for that matter) are supposed to be
pouty. they're royalty for chrissakes!

- blue lips (as you call him) has red ears
because profion put "things" in his head which
comes out of them. that HURTS

- what do you mean by "thief polymorphs into gold
dragon"? "thief" didn't polymorph into a gold
dragon, the gold dragon is an illusion coming
from a little box...

- its not MORENA, its MARINA. clean your ears...

i say mr. aeon is overly exaggerating to make the trailer look bad. if you think you're being CUTE when you give nicknames to the characters well, YOU'RE NOT. to AUBRI, the fireballs came BEFORE profion got the rod, you're thinking the OPPOSITE. i agree with raigith when he said that if you think the 2-minute preview sucks, that doesn't automatically mean the movie in its entirety sucks too. and to D00D_X, i ENJOYED the movie and IAM NOT ASHAMED.

and oh, i forgot, OH.MY.GOD are 3 words, not 2

This trailer sux, but i really think u ppl r hard asses and im goin to see this movie because of the preivew on T.V that was awsome and im a huge fan of anything with dragons so ya, fuk u all! :)

The trailer didn't look too bad, it was kinda cool, actually. Of course, they put all the good stuff from the movie in the trailer, so god knows what kind of crap they put in the rest of the movie! I'm not wasting my money on it, so someone tell me what happens in it, ok?

Everything about the movie, other than the cool special effects and scenery sucked, including the way the dragons looked. They looked like a bunch of potatoes glued together.

Awful,Awful,Awful,Awful. This is the worst movie that I have ever seen. They put the best material they had in the trailer and made everyones expectations way too high. They should have aimed this movie towards brain dead lunatics because this movie is just discraceful. Awful!

This is killing me! How the heck do I find out the name of the choral score toward the end of DND movie trailer? I love the score (it sounds like Carmina burana), but I can't find out. Please help!!!!

well the movie is ok but lets c how the next movie goes it should b good for the time they hav 2 make it in

This movie was gloriously, hilariously bad. My wife and I rented it so I could show it to her, and we barely stopped giggling. Then we listened to the DVD director and actor voice-over and split our sides laughing. to hear them talk, you'd think it was Citizen Kane.

Just in (well, not JUST in) but WoC has announced they are making a sequel to this bad movie. They even have the balls to write that one of their staff members is already lining up for the tickets.

Come on! No one found that movie any good. It's worst than... all of Madona's movies and Wing Commander blended together.

But, like good corporate drones they have to say they loved it (it's in their contract).